I'm a type A personality. I was a straight-A student all throughout school and college. I was the lead in school musicals, section leader in musical ensembles, Miss "Most Likely to Succeed," and have placed first in two 5k's. (I totally don't blame you if you just rolled your eyes... my nearly 27-year-old self would probably react that way too). Failure was not an option in my book and when I did happen to experience it, it would bring my world crashing down for a few days, maybe weeks, or months.
I didn't know this until a little under two years ago but I have severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder as well as depression and OCD. (I certainly won the lottery)! Events that seem small to some people are HUGE, life-altering explosions in my mind. For example, I had a string of TERRIBLE physics teachers in high school. I hated physics- I only took it because I was 3rd in the class at the time and wanted to keep my rank. The third term, we had a man who clearly did not possess a grade book or rubrics and was trying to give me a "C" without evidence to support his claims. I cried for weeks, had severe panic attacks that made me vomit, didn't sleep, and had suicidal thoughts. Just to give some context! (The scariest part is.. I didn't think that was abnormal at the time).
SOOO what does this have to do with a food addiction? Well, when you spend the majority of your time trying to live up to impossible standards because your mind/hormones aren't typical, you have vices. They are extremely secretive... but you have them. When I was 13, my parents had just divorced. I was tortured for having baby fat still and resolved to lose some weight one summer. I got so obsessive that I lost 40lbs and had an unhealthfully low BMI. I was sent to an overweight nutritionist and was basically forced to gain 10lbs back to make my family and others feel "more comfortable." This is when the binging began. I thought, "eh, this isn't so bad, being told I'm "too"thin and need to eat more. I've never heard that in my life before! I think I can allow myself a few nibbles here and there."
I broke up with the scale but continued to exercise religiously 5-6 times a week. I would have mild panic attacks when something would prevent from exercising and would often exercise really early in the morning or late at night because I was involved in so many activities. I'd cry through the workouts because I was so tired but do them anyway because I was terrified of "getting fat." Then I'd turn to food for comfort or reward. Just a little. Just a handful of peanuts. An open box of crackers...a whole box of crackers.
Then I got to college and all the dining commons were buffet styles. I cringe writing this now... but here's what I used to do. I would design perfectly healthy and balanced meals for all my meals.... but would grab the little bowls meant for ice cream toppings and fill one with craisins and another with crushed Reeses. Some days, I would do this WITH EVERY MEAL. I also kept Frosted Mini Wheats in my room for the days when I was running late to my first 8AM class (music major) but let's be real, I wanted them there for comfort and usually indulged in them for a late night snack. Excuse me, *always indulged in those darn mini-wheats for a midnight snack. But remember, I was still exercising like a fiend and walking everywhere so somehowww, I never teetered above 140.
Being a performance major and performer myself, a huge component of our lifestyle is going out or receptions with lots of free-for-all platters. I literally would go to these receptions and eat something from every plate. If we went out for drinks after a show at 10 or 11 PM, hell yes I was mooching off your nachos after drinking at least 2 cocktails. But here's the thing.. at this point in my life, I hadn't weighed myself in years and refused to get weighed at the doctor's. I refused to own a full-length mirror. I only wore leggings and empire-waisted dresses or workout clothes (I've always hated jeans) so I had NO concept of the weight I had gained. If I confronted any of those things, I'd be undone.
I'd go back to the times when I was losing weight at 14. Crying on the bathroom floor for gaining a pound. Literally punching my stomach to make it thinner when I was frustrated. Staring lasciviously at a piece of chocolate cake I could never have at parties. Making sure I stood for the majority of the day so I wouldn't get cellulite. Attempting to stick my fingers down my throat but chickening out because I absolutely hated vomiting and did enough of it during panic attacks. And absolutely hating myself for having an ounce of visible fat on my body. Not good enough. Not pretty enough, not thin enough. "This is why men leave you... this is why you haven't booked a professional gig.... people are staring at your gut, God, get rid of it! You're disgusting!" I couldn't go back down that road... so instead, I lived in blissful ignorance.
Until I started having massive health-related anxiety two years ago. I had uprooted my life to move to NYC and was hating it. I would eat peanut butter out of the jar on days that were particularly humiliating while I thought, "I walk 5 miles a day and exercise. It'll be fine." I would buy the small, individual chocolates from Whole Foods every day (they're from Whole Foods, they have to be healthy, right)? But my biggest money and calorie suck? Crackers. Freaking crackers, man. I could polish off a whole box like nobody's business especially when I was depressed.
Here's where the "closet" component comes in. I would do it when nobody was looking. I would binge when no one else was in the kitchen. I would bring the snacks to my room. I would stand in front of the pantry when nobody was watching and because I actually do have a hard time eating a lot at once, I'd rationalize the binge as not being a huge calorie bust. (It totally was- I did not count or measure). Oh, and did I mention I was basically an alcoholic for a time? Worst thing about alcohol? It makes you so damn hungry! One glass of wine means wine plus food because I'll get insatiably hungry. But I would conveniently forget this every time I drank.
I basically had a complete and utter meltdown between ages 25-26 that entailed losing alllllll my money moving to NYC then moving back home and starting my own business, sustaining ridiculous injuries from accidents, contracting anxiety-induced illnesses like costochondritis, wracking up insane medical bills, and many loved ones dying. Panic attacks manifested in palpitations and were far more frequent, I thought I was dying constantly because I was living alone which made my depression worse, and I felt so incredibly isolated and alone. This is when I started to recognize that my reactionary way of living was unbalanced and I sought out a therapist.
Over the course of 6 months, I've recognized that a) mental illness is real and scary, and it colors my world a bit differently, and b) that I really have the control to decide how my life is going to go despite circumstance. After confiding in some friends that I was not pleased with what I had done to my body and never stopped thinking about food, one suggested DietBet in addition to MyFitnessPal. It was around this time that I started using Dave Ramsey's app "Every Dollar" to manage my finances too. Food and money have given me such a feeling or dread and shame in the past so in order to move past these awful feelings and being stuck, I decided to analyze them like data trends. (You come to love data as a teacher). When I just looked at these things as numbers and detached myself emotionally, it was like magic. I wasn't even tempted to overspend or overeat. I actually enjoyed the boundaries these programs set! They've allowed me to feel the freedom of choice in the way that I expend calories or dollars.
I stopped buying anything that was not already preportioned. I know myself and even buying some nuts in bulk with "the intention of measuring them out and putting them in separate bags" was too much of a temptation. I'd rather pay the extra money to buy them pre-portioned. Any kind of artificial snack was a "no no" for me because I simply lacked the discipline to stop. And that's okay! It's just a quirk of mine. I tortured myself so much when I was young that when I'm in a situation of abundance, I feel the need to seize the opportunity and over-indulge (kind of like a post-World War II ration mentality). I sit down and enjoy my carefully planned and measured meals with a sense of ease and not dread. I'm making the calories (and money) work for me instead of wondering and guessing. And guess what? I started that only 2 weeks ago and lost 10lbs right off the bat. I have not seen the light of 140 in 4 years.
I have a lower goal that my current weight but I don't feel the need to be obsessive about it this time around because I'm already so pleased with where I am behaviorally (and physically). I am not only literally lighter but my spirit is beginning to feel lighter as well. I'm not turning to food for comfort or reward nearly as often anymore (some days, I don't at all). When I finally looked myself in the mirror and said, "you've goofed but that's totally okay... I still love you," I finally began to understand how to live life and not let it live me.
Plus, I looked in that mirror while wearing my booty shorts which is something I haven't done in years. And they look damn good.