I've struggled with my weight my whole life. Well, since I was 10. In an age before high fructose corn syrup, I was one of the two heavy kids in 5th grade. No one see-sawed with me for fear of being launched into space. I remember weighing myself constantly since I was over 100 lbs as a 10 year old. I was stressed by this triple digit.
No one told me that's because I was storing up for puberty. No one told me kids grow out before they grow up. No one told me I'd likely just be really tall like all the other folks in my family. No one told me it was ok. No one told me how to be healthy and not care about the numbers on a scale or stupid weight charts.
My mom looked at me once at the age of 11 while I was trying on clothes and said "That's unhealthy. You look disgusting." She wasn't the best at understanding what to say and when. But this is not on her. She and the images in the media and the other kids in my class all culminated into the proof I needed that I was not good. Something about me was wrong. And it was obviously the weight.
Fast forward to middle school. I'd grown taller. I'd sprouted boobs. I'd "blossomed" and I was no longer fat, really. Really. But that image of me as a disgusting fat kid, the tiny girls at school (pre-pubescent unlike me) that were size 00 that all the boys seemed to flock to, the images in the media, my own understanding of what I was internally didn't change. I still felt fat. So I began to diet. I began to take mini-thins to "speed" up my weight loss. I even attempted anorexia. Thank god I love food too much to give it up entirely. I believe I lasted 8 hours as an anorectic. Throughout all of high school I had an unhealthy relationship with food and body image, so I dieted and tried desparately to be one of those skinny girls. By the end of high school I was heavier.
College started and I cut out sodas, I exercised, I was healthy and walking constantly. My job as a server and the 2 mile walk to and from school was helpful. I LOST my freshman 15. But before long, beer started to outnumber glasses of water. And though I tried to keep up healthy habits with Weight Watchers, I graduated heavier than I went in.
This has been my life.
I succeeded at WW several times. It was amazing! I hit my goal twice. But it crept back.
I've done p90x. It was amazing! I lost so much. I was fit and fabulous. But it crept back.
I did a juice fast. It was fabulous! I lost so much. But it crept back.
I became vegan. It was fabulous! But I needed bacon in my life, so it crept back.
I did the Belly Fix Diet. It was fabulous (no really - that's one to try, folks. Get your gut in check). But it crept back.
I've done a keto diet, and even though I hate meat typically, it worked. I looked great. But it crept back.
I've counted every calorie in and out with cool apps. It's worked. But it crept back.
I seem to do things and they always work, and they're fabulous, but it always creeps back and I always gain a bit more than I was before I started the diet.
The thing is this: It keeps creeping back because I let it. I get to my goals, then I self-sabotage because I need that pillowy layer of fat that prevents people from noticing me. I start to feel pretty and then I realize people may start noticing me now, and I hate being seen. Trauma in my past has proven that the less attractive I am, the less attention I will receive.
Another thing is this: you are who you THINK you are, and you can try to escape it, but until you deal with the root cause/image, you're not going to be able to prevent snapping back to where you were. In my head I can't escape that disgusting 10 year old.
But I'm going to by holding onto these real things:
I love myself, really. Not, "I have people around me that love me, I'm supported, etc" That's all true and great. I do have those people, but I have to rely on me. And I am pretty effing great. I am amazing. I can do anything I want. I have strength and beauty coursing through my veins.
I am not disgusting now, nor was I then. Nor am I disgusting at my heaviest. And I AM at my heaviest as I sit on the precipice of 200: a number I have NEVER wanted to be this close to. Shedding that disgusting image allows me to love me for me.
I need to do this for me, not for (or maybe in spite of) the attention it attracts.
I KNOW I can do this. I've done it in the past. I have the skills to figure this out. That's not the issue. The issue is that my negative self image has followed me around just like the fat. And every year it gets worse and I get heavier. It's time to drop that baggage once and for all.
And here's the other thing - YOU ARE ALSO AMAZING, you are not disgusting, you are able to do anything you set your mind to. This is truth. We make our own bodies just as we make our own realities. Ask yourself - Who do you want to be?