I am down 1.8 lbs since yesterday. Yesterday I ate:

3 eggs + 2 pieces of whole wheat toast [290 calories, 13 g fat, 19 g protein, 22 g carb]

1 serving of whole wheat pasta with 1/2 cup of peas and corn + 1 tsp of OO [280 cals, 7.5 f 12p 50c]

2 pieces whole wheat toast + 2 eggs + 1 italian sausage + shredded white cheddar cheese

1 pbr [524 calories  31.5 f 33p 25c] [145 calories 12 c]

my fiance made me my dinner. Damn I eat so much bread! 

total: 1094 calories 52 grams of fat 64 grams of protein 109 grams of carbs

So far today:

Breakfast
330 calories [3 eggs, 6 slices of turkey, shredded whtie cheddar extra sharp cheese NO BREAD]
32g protein 23.5 fat 5g carb
So I never realized my eggs were only 60 calories, I've been counting them as 90 calories this whole time

Short term goals for 1/21-1/29 [29 possible f21 dolalrs]

1. Keep carbs intake below 150 grams each day

2. shoot for 150 grams of protein per day

3. Keep fat grams below 40 grams per day- I do not see it humanly possible to go from 65 grams to 30 grams in a week!

So my sister mentioned the iifym to me when I started plateuing (or gaining weight). My good friend Layla is a body builder and swears by this. She begged me to let her make me a meal plan, but I thought that would change our relationship and make it a little too much like a then-toxic relationship I had as a kid with a friend- when both of us were full blown disordered. So today is a snow day and I thought I would check out my IIFYM calculator. According to my body weight, sedentary lifestyle, and to "lose fat" I should be eating 1,500 calories per day with 4 protein calories by gram, 9 fat calories by gram, and 4 carb calories by gram. So this is so confusing I have to type it out to really calculate it. 

1 gram of carbs is 4 calories
1500 x .40 = 600 calories
divide calories by 4 =150 grams of carbs per day

1 gram of protein is 4 calories so 150 grams of protein per day

1 gram of fat is 9 calories so

1500 x .20 = 300 calories
divide calories by 9 = 33 grams of fat per day

So it looks like, as yesterday as an example (1094 calories 52 grams of fat 64 grams of protein 109 grams of carbs) I am not eating enough calories or protein and I am eating WAY TOO MUCH FAT! This is going to be so hard to track because I hate writing things down but if I'm aware that I am actually increasing my calories and protein I might be more motivated to track my food intake. I think I am going to add a protein shake to my meal plan and have 4 meals a day. That way I am increasing my calories and my protein. I am also going to cut out bread in my morning routine (as I did today) to keep my carbs down low. I wish I could have my fitness pal on my phone but the piece of junk won't let me download any more apps. 

In other news, I got my wedding dress last night. It started snowing as soon as my friend and I drove into Old Town. It was the first time I saw snow stick since early 2015. Idk if this is bad luck or what hahaha. But I went to her apartment to try on the dress and her two younger sisters were there, visiting from Texas. One knows me pretty well but the other doesn't. The youngest has a lot of mental health issues and my friend V has been hiding her from me, pretty much. I know last weekend her little sister was almost hospitalized for drinking and V was so upset she came over and stayed with my fiance and I for a few days to get away. She was also afraid that her little sister might actually destroy my dress out of jealousy. However, the two sisters fly out Thursday night, so this was their last night at V's. When we got to her apartment they had their coats on ready to leave and go out with some guys they met online. They said something in spanish and left. I put on my dress and walked out with V- to zip me up. V is a naturally anxous little thing who's about 90 lbs while wet. Her hands were shaking horribly bc she was so afraid she'd rip my dress zipping it (it is a tight fit). We couldn't get it zipped bc we were both too anxious. Then her sisters came back because they forgot one of their phones, they saw my dress, and immediately canceled their plans. They started helping me put my dress on, cleared the area- mopped the floor around me, and starting curling my hair. At one point I had two girls curling my hair and another holding a cell phone light up to my hair bc all the outlets were being used lol 

They took over 200 photos of me and the little sister wanted to edit them all with her ipad filters but I just chose 6, then she made me choose another dozen to edit before I left. My car got stuck on the way home of course and there was over 160 car accidents in my zip code last night. I started shaking uncontrollably and felt like I was going to throw up at one point bc my anx got the best of me. I had been in the car for about an hour and 20 minutes and saw so many accidents that my accident flashbacks started happening. I made it to the small long narrow road that leads to my backlot and none of the cars sliding around would let me in. They all honked at me so I kept driving and immediately was faced with a steep hill with a speed bump at the top and saw three cars on the sidewalk, a few mailboxes taken out, and one car smashed into a light pole. I call Chris and have him jog to the car to get it home bc I was no longer functioning at this point. I got out and pushed the car while he turned it around and layed on his horn to get down the narrow road that led to our apartment and parallel parked it like a champ while I threw my body over the car he was parrallel parking, just in case he hit it hahaha. Then I got home to a new bed mattress, several gifts (hemp lavendar soaps and bath salts and incense), salads prepped for the entire week, all our laundry complete and folded, dishes done, and the floors vacuumed. He immediately made me dinner and I passed out while watching tommy boy with him. 

When he showed up to the car last night he arrived in my mocassins, lady scarf, and a shovel. I could tell he got out of the apartment imemdiately to come "rescue" me. I didn't notice him until he opened my car door I was so panicked, but when I saw him my heart immediately melted and my anxiety went away. I still had the shakes from my adrenaline kicking in but I was so damn grateful he was there, and always will be there. I thought about all our fights recently and just apologized for how I've been and he said I didn't need to apologize and that we're both just very stressed out. This morning he said I love you possibly 15 times and kept coming back to bed to kiss me before he left. If someone as incredible as him can love me then I am going to be just fine.