I spent most of yesterday shoveling the snow with my fiance, meditating, and cuddling with my cats. Today, classes were canceled. I think I gained 2 lbs from drinking beers for the first time in over a month so that weight should fall off. I was also up until 4am drinking dogfish head alone contemplating how much I am going to mess up my hypothetical children.
I blame that on watching The Wolfpack on Netflix in pure solitude.
Just kidding.
Sorta.
But I don't care about the scale right now because I like the way I look. For the first time in a long time I feel good around my fiance and don't feel like turning the lights off, or covering myself up, or even wearing makeup. He's never done anything to make me not feel beautiful, it's all in my head, but it is nice to be "getting there". I think I've only been with one man who I felt really beautiful around, not to say he wasn't himself (he wasn't) but I felt like he worshiped me. Maybe that's a strong word- but feeling super confident around someone you love is a rare and wonderful chronic feeling that I want back.
I have been keeping up with my protein intake which has given me the clean energy my body craves. Also, I haven't used any makeup in 5 days which is really unusual for me. Yeah, I haven't gone to work/school but I usually can't stand my naked face for more than a few hours. I don't know if this is creepy or not, but I stood in the mirror with all my makeup off, and I really looked at myself. really looked at myself. And I was staring at the "say something nice about yourself" scribbled on the mirror and made myself find a few parts of my face that I genuinely liked. It was almost like I was meditating because when I meditate my mind gravites towards what's due tomorrow, why my boss looked at me that why, why my friend hasn't responded to my last fb message- did i offend them and so on. The same happened with my naked face, was my skin always this red? did I always have no eyebrows? Do i have trichotillomania? is chris still going to love me when I'm old? Will I still not love me when I'm old? and the only way to stop that cycle was to think of my doppleganger and think- okay you may have convinced youself somewhere along the line that you don't like your face but you do love Leah Hoffman's face, what is it about her face that you love that you used to love about yourself? I had to pull 10 year old Chelsea from the back of my brain because that's the last time I really walked around the earth thinking I was beautiful (only because my 5th grade teacher told everyone they were beautiful all day every day and it rubbed off... until middle school). But I genuinely like my green eyes, my oval/rectangular face looks good with my droopy puppy curved eyes. Although my eyebrows are thinning I like the shape of them- the parts that still exist, and I like all of my faint facial features coupled with my sharp semi harsh nose because without it I feel like I'd be just another face and I wouldn't be unique enough for others to remember. I like my goofy gums and small lips that disappear when I smile because it invites people in who do not take themselves too seriously and let's others know "hey I am a big doofus, feel free to laugh at life's sick jokes with me".
If I can't love my face what good is losing 60 pounds going to do to my self confidence and self worth?
Don't tell yourself you're beautiful today. Tell yourself why you think you're beautiful today and what sets you apart from others that you hold dear to yourself.
Since I have earned $18 in my "f21 small goals pot" I actually spent my money on etsy. I realized I'm not going to be in this window stage of a fiance for forever and I wanted to buy myself something special, just for me, something that's sentimental. I know this probably sounds laaame and superficial but I ordered the white "Future Mrs. Tessier July 2017" shirt. Sometimes I see things and think "if anyone were to get me that I would squeal" but then realize "okay chelsea you're the only one this excited about marrying chris so just get it for yourself, you freak". I also ordered valentine's day gifts for local friends and my fiance. It is going to be a great holiday. I am thinking of an earlyyyy valentine's day morning brunch, then dropping Chris off at work, volunteering my day with the eating disorder group, then picking up Chris for a late dinner somewhere brand new. I want to surprise him with something but I haven't thought of what to surprise him with yet. Maybe I'll also make him a candy bar bouqet with dorky love notes written on each of them because I haven't created a dorky I love you gift in a really long time. Love is so gross.