I'm still extremely sick. Yesterday all I managed to keep down was two pieces of plain toast, before I went to bed I ate an apple with peanut butter. This morning I attempted to eat sun flower seeds then my fiance opened a can of cat food and I lost my marbles. I'm pretty sure I had a very very early termination of a pregnancy, I tested my urine and had hcg levels meaning I am partially pregnant partially not pregnant. I was really emotional home alone working on homework. People kept texting me first world problems and I was getting so pissed off. Like which guy they should sleep with, what beer should they buy, what bar should we go to, what kind of cake does the birthday boy like.
I lost it. Even my school work seemed meaningless. I talked to my mom and she was the best. She described that the pains I were in were actually small labor pains and that they will subside (they did). I am just lucky I was only a few weeks pregnant. My fiance told me to look on the bright side to get me through this, that at least we know that I am fully capalbe (and he is fully capable) of getting pregnant. Now there is no need for fertility testing before the wedding. I was crying a lot and blaming myself for not being flawless on my birth control pills but he assured me it wasn't my fault, that he knows the pressures I'm under, and that he wishes none of this ever happened to me.
We went to a birthday party last night and it snapped me out of my mood and my ruminating. I only last two hours because I had gone through all the feminine products in my purse and needed to leave. I didn't tell anyone because I don't want anyone judging me or spreading rumors about how irresponsbile I am, so people gave me a lot of shit for leaving the pregame and skipping the bars. But I dont care. Again, first world problems.
I was going to step on the scale today but I couldn't bring myself to do it, it's too soon. I don't want to know how much weight I've "lost" because it makes it too real of a loss again. I can't believe I have to lead group therapy and eat a high fat meal in front of people with eating disorders tonight. I hope I don't get sick or lose it, emotionally.
I can't wait for Monday and to get back into my usual routines so I can forget about all of this. Ugh.