Well, yesterday I ate:
Protein shake for breakfast
1 can of tuna for lunch
lettuce with tomatoes and black beans for dinner.
That's it. I wasn't hungry, I was busy, and I drank lots of water. Once again, I step on the scale and my weight has not budged. Ughhhh. I know I know it's probably jumping into starvation mode. I don't have an excuse as to why I'm deprving myself enough calories, but I am. I'm anxious about the weigh in on Monday. I'm nervous because Sunday night is my 1 year engagement anniversary and my fiance refuses to wait and go out Monday night. He thinks it's ridiculous I won't let myself celebrate on the actual date because of a weight loss program.
He has a point. But it also seems pretty unsupportive. I wouldn't do this to him (not like he can afford to lose any weight).
This morning we got in a fight because he wanted me to accompany him to a haircut because he's a five year old who needs me to hold his hand for every goddamn life decision. I told him I couldn't LAST WEEK because I had two meetings (hence why I can't eat more than a damn can of tuna). I reminded him AGAIN last night. After my long horrific day I felt like I was going to snap. I thought "I need to talk to somebody, someone who's going to listen to me, who can I call?" then I thought "I should give Chris a chance. I am marrying him and I have to tell him about some of my feelings one day- right?". So I get home, it's 9:30pm, I've been stressing in school all day and just want to tell him why.
He stops eating his dinner as soon as my mouth opens. He doesn't look at me but he looks in my direction. He sighs. He says he never gets to have a word. So I shut up. I feel like I've been completely defalted and once again I have no one to talk to.
So my self-care alarm started ringing.
Then, I take a two hour bath so I could get away from him. I sit there for two hours wondering if I should find myself a psychologist since I don't have that person I can talk to about my day. Then, I debate on leaving my fiance because I want a Jim from the office NOT a Roy.
After my bath, I played with my cats (and they loved it! they were panting they were so excited). I also clipped their nails and brushed all of their fur. My male cat, Jack, was loving it. He was leaning on me and kissing me (which is rare). My fiance went to pet him and he bit him because apparently he only wanted mom to touch him. Or he knew dad was being an asshole and he was taking mom's side (that's my boy).
Oh my god I'm such a cat lady I firmly believe only my cats sense when something is wrong. Other than that, I feel like I look good like if I had to stay this size the rest of my life I'd be okay with that. I'm curvy, yet not too curvy, my stomach is flat but "soft", and I like the shape of my face from my weight loss.
Cross your fingers I get an interview for Advanced Prac soon, or my fiance gets his head out of his ass, OR I find a way to introuduce more protein again and start losing weight! I hope everyone is having a good mid-week!