I've never really had a problem with addiction. In theory, I know how it works, of course...on an intellectual level, but it was hard to understand from a personal perspective. I've been a smoker on and off for years. Never enough to really quit...I wouldn't really call once every couple of weeks/months and only when others are doing it something that needs to be quit. I think something would have to be a habit first. That being said, when my life was particularly stressful, or when I wanted to be social, I would use smoking as an excuse to get outside, or as a way to make friends. When neither of those opportunities arise, I don't even think about it.
Same thing for drinking -- to a way lesser extent. I think the taste of alcohol is gross and how it makes me feel is worse. I could never disassociate the bitter taste with the shitty after effects. Hell, even the feeling of being drunk didn't feel so good...kind of just like being dizzy.
And food on its own...frankly, No there is no problem there.
My real problem, I guess, is junk food. Food of convienence...sweets. Today, I brought in a full bag of home made cookies to work. I gave away three, then promptly ate the rest. Home made food I can eat without too much trouble...but other food makes me so violtently ill, and yet, when it's placed in front of me, I scarf it down without a second thought and then I want more. I don't know why I do that. I don't know what biological scenario is driving my behavior. But It reminded me of something Dr. Robert Lustig, pediatric endocrinologist said,
"What happens when you give a five year old a cookie? They bounce off walls. What happens when you give an obese 5 year old a cookie? They're in the closet looking for more cookies. Ain't no sugar high in no obese kid." Why someone with several advanced degrees would delibrately choose to murder the English Lanuage is beyond me, but that is a direct quote.
Am I at the heart of it an obese kid? Dr. Lustig reasons that kids to get a sugar high because they are both insulin and leptin resistant. He therefore assigns no blame to the obese individuals, as he reasons they are victims, which is how they see themselves.
In truth, I do see myself this way. Like any other addict I have periods of being on the wagon and off, but my biology does seem to dictate my cravings and you can only deny cravings for so long. The reward center of your brain was created for survival, for feeding, after all. Addiction to food and those things that are calorie dense that will keep you alive--that is what the biology was made for.
Today I ate cookies. This is not an alcoholic binge. I hurt no one. No one but myself. No flare up -- no lasting damage was done today by eating a few cookies. Tonight, I took my husband out to our favorite resturant and indulged in the mushroom sage tortellini and their special peachy dessert.
I'm going to go ahead and call that my LAST big indulgence for a while. It was filling and I was satisfied. Now I will have to seek the cure for my addictions and the treatments that will make me well again (and by coincidence, the thing that will allow me to win my dietbet: Real food...and a little bit of physical fitness.
Today was DAy one - The last meal. Tomorrow the work begins. I need to look forward to it. It's not like I will be suffering. Real food tastes good.