I have thought long and hard about this blog post. But, for me to be accountable and to be successful in what I want NEED to do, this post needs to happen. Back in 2012, I had set out on a new journey of health and fitness. As a fat girl (I refuse to sugar coat that term. Fat is fat is fat. And I was absolutely without a doubt FAT), this was a whole new world for me and I wanted to share my experience to everyone (Visit my blog about this experience: http://bethannbrown.blogspot.com/) . It was a difficult 10 weeks. I was sore, tired exhausted, hungry and yet, I never felt better! I broke some bones (I don’t recommend doing that but it did happen twice) and I vividly remember those days that I barely made it up the stairs before bed only for it to dawn on me that I forgot my bottled water downstairs. One evening (my team workouts were in the evening) after an intense leg day, I only made it half way up the stairs where I had to sit at the landing and think about if it was truly worth the extra flight up to a comfy bed or to roll down to the floor below. Yes, I was that tired. Even though I didn’t win the competition at the end of the 10 weeks, I learned so much more about myself and those closest around me. I vowed to never lose what I worked so hard to gain. Yes, you read that right. I may have lost weight, but I gained self-esteem, strength, endurance, the ability to run and a look that I never knew existed in me.

Two years later, I have gained back all my weight and then some. My endurance is horrible and my diet is definitely nothing to brag about. I am beyond back to square one. I can’t even look at myself or try to stand on a scale to document it. Nothing and I mean absolutely nothing fits. I have 2 pair of scrub pants that get me through the week. My only saving grace is that they are pretty durable since I refuse to buy anymore at this size. I reorganized my closet last month. I had to stand and shake my head at the jeans. I arranged everything by size from smallest to largest. Two years ago, I had gotten rid of anything that was a 22/24. They fell off of me. All I could do was muster up enough energy to shake my head and hang it in shame when I was done. I couldn’t let my boyfriend see me be so defeated. He questioned the variety in sizes (note: he has only seen me at my current size). My largest pile of jeans were at my lowest weight. I felt fantastic and looked pretty darn good and by the size of the stack, you could tell I was proud to show it.   

I could sit here and say that the last 2 years haven’t been so kind. I’ve lost 2 jobs and started a dual master’s degree program. Being unemployed for over 4 months does a lot to the psyche (especially around the holidays). It also does a number to the bank account. It was a horrific winter that seemed to last forever. The gym membership was the first to go. The healthy whole foods were not as frequent because of cost. Every bit of my free time was searching for a job or worrying because one interview right after the other didn’t pan out. I’m an emotional eater. I eat for comfort; sadness, anger, and frustration had a horrible grip on me. I fell and I fell hard back into the horrible trap that is self-loathing. Now, I’m gainfully employed. I can actually see some light at the end of the MSN/MBA tunnel. I have a wonderful and supportive fiance’ that loves me no matter what size I am. But most of all, I am READY. I had to just simply get there. Mentally, you need to be in the right place to make permanent changes. Talking about it and doing it are two VERY different things. Today begins my accountability. I already know it won’t be easy (been there and done that) but I definitely know it WILL be worth it (I know this too!)! Hang on, we are in for a bumpy ride because this gal has some MASSIVE goals!

 

Beth

"Fear THIS!!!"