Food for Thought...

So, I ate a big lunch today…at least big for what I eat lately.  For you Patio fans, I had a cream of broccoli soup and a hamburger.  Why am I revealing my menu on my blog? Well, to let you know that I’m not hungry.  Why is that point important?  I want to eat…

My relationship with food is probably one of the most complicated in my life.  It brings me joy, it wracks me with guilt, it keeps me alive, and it is probably slowly killing me.  In the past, I ate when I was stressed, sad, bored, tired, ecstatic, worried, etc.  Food saved me from situations with which I could not cope.

I learned about food from my mother.  After the loss of my infant brother, my mother leaned on food to fill the empty spaces within.  Through example, she taught my sister and I to do the same. 

And the relationship was a dangerous one.  I was on 500 calorie diets at 8 years old.  I lost and gained at least 1000 lbs in the course of my life.  I’ve starved and binged and all the while despised my very being.  I never learned to look in a mirror and see myself.  I always see the pounds that will not leave.

Even now, my relationship with food is tenuous.  I run away from it, literally, everyday.  I deprive myself of it when I’m feeling down.  I crave it when I’m stressed, sad, bored, tired, ecstatic, worried, etc.  I hate myself when I don’t have enough of it, and I hate myself when I have too much. 

I watch the numbers on the scale like are a countdown to a death sentence, and I obsess compulsively as they shift a mere quarter of a pound. 

I am in the best physical condition of my life, yet food tears at my emotional state.  I’m not hungry, but as I look around this room, I see a bag of Doritos, cups from McDonalds, chocolate, bread, and more, and I want them all.  And I don’t want any of them.

Addictions are frightening, but usually we are addicted to that which we can give up…what do you do when your addiction keeps you alive?