This is my very first dietbet and I am hoping that it is the motivation I need to get myself back in shap & to start taking care of myself. I have been at a plateau for about 5 yrs now, which is about 20lbs over the max weight I should be. Even though the scale said I was overweight & my BMI is too high my doctor wasn't concerned. My blood work was the best it ever had been. I was taking a spin class 2 -3xs a week & running 3xs a week. I have participated in over a half dozen 1/2 marathons and countless 10ks the past 2.5 yrs. I was in the best shape of my life and feeling pretty good.
Then my world as I knew it fell apart this past April. In late March they found a tumor on my dad's lung. The doctor was optimistic because he said the tumor appeared to be on the outside of his lung and attached to his rib cage. The plan was to go in and remove the tumor and a golf ball size of the rib. The doctor said he wouldn't know how bad the cancer was until he did the biopsy & that he may have to take part of the lung, which he would not know until he was in there. We went in thinking worse case scenerio was he would lose part of his lung & the cancer would be bad & he would need radiation/chemo. I prepared myself for that & told myself if it was stage 4 we might have months to a year. Now, I live in CA and this surgery was happening in Iowa. Normally, I would have gone back for this but we were leaving for a trip to Belize the day after surgery. A trip to celebrate our 10 yr anniversary, a trip that was planned for 2 years. We were meeting my cousin & his wife from Florida there. My brother, who lives in Iowa near my parents was also going to meet us. The day of the surgery came, April 10th, and I kept busy at work waiting to hear how things went. My brother called me that afternoon to tell me that not only was it stage 4 but that the surgeon got too agressive & crushed a vertebrea in my dad's spin & my dad was now paralyzed from the chest down. I guess the tumor was entwined in his spine & instead of closing him up & giving my family the new & new risk this heart & lung doctor decided to tackle his spine. He then put my dad on a helicopter & flew him to anothe hospital that had a spine specialist.
I didn't know what to do. No one was really talking about the cancer at this point. They were all concerned with the paralysis & if there was anything they could do about. It wasn't until the next afternoon when it was determined there was nothing that could be done about it. My dad told me to go on my trip. Said there was nothing I could do. I said I would come to Iowa after I got back & he didn't even think that was necessary. I spoke to my dad while at the San Francisco airport on April 11 around 7pm PT. I told him that we would figure out the paralysis, that we needed him. He said he was still worried about the cancer. I told him I was too. I told him I loved him. That was the last time I ever spoke to my dad.
The next few days he got worse. His lung collapsed. At first they thought they could treat the cancer with radiation; the tumor was smaller after the surgery. On April 14th they said the tumor was growing. They said he had maybe a few months. Mom told me to come home. The next day they said he had days to a week. We made the arrangements to get off the island. I told my brother not to do anything to keep my dad alive - to let him go. He died on April 16th at 3:10am. He was 63. I was not there. I did not make it home to say goodbye.
I have tried very hard these past 6 months to let go of all the guilt I have. I know I cannot make a better past. I have tried to pay attention to what I eat. I try to go to spin class & run on a regular basis, but some days it is all I can do to get out of bed & go to work & try to be as happy as I can be. I am 44 & don't want to go into the next stage of my life unhealthy & unhappy. I KNOW a healthy body will help my with healing my heart & mind.
Thanks for reading.
Michelle