I've been frustrated lately... with work, with the scale, with the feeling of not having enough time to give this weight loss effort my full commitment. I've been trading the same 2 pounds, on and off, since mid-August until the last couple of weeks, when the scale has finally started to go down. I know that I need to increase my workout minutes and decrease my calories. But last week, I worked out more than I have in a long time, and I tracked everything that I ate and drank. My total calorie deficit was over 10,000 calories for the week. That theoretically should equal about a 2.5-pound loss on the scale. My loss? Zero. Zip. Nada. I was angry, with my body for not responding, and with myself for not doing more. And then 2 days later, I was down 1.8 pounds.  Go figure.

Work is even crazier than usual these next two weeks - 2 business trips, several presentations to give, and important meetings to lead with clients. I was tearfully venting to my therapist about all this last night, feeling very overwhelmed. I said it feels like this is what always happens, that work gets in the way when I'm working hard to incorporate and sustain healthy habits. My therapist commented that instead of me feeling overwhelmed by work and resenting it, how great it would be if I could take pride in my work and feel fulfilled by it. She pointed out that I'm respected by my colleagues, which is part of the reason I'm so busy - my boss gives me assignments because he knows I'll do them well. But how can I feel fulfilled by something that I resent for taking me away from other things that matter more to me? 

I thought more last night about what my therapist had said, and how that exact logic can be applied right now to my weight loss efforts. Yes, I should be taking pride in my efforts, even though I'm not perfect. I should be fulfilled by the feeling of my body getting stronger. Instead, I find myself still viewing this weight loss effort as a hardship that I must endure to achieve my goal of better health and wellness. I have a very hard time feeling proud of my efforts when I feel like there's always something more I should be doing to propel me faster toward my weight loss goal. I feel like I've wasted so much time being overweight. Plus, I realize that I still feel shame about my weight, which makes me not want to draw attention to the fact that I'm working to lose weight. 

I want to be excited to try new recipes. I want to view my workouts as fun (okay, maybe not all of them, but some of them). I want to be proud to post on Facebook that I just did Jillian Michaels Beginner Shred. I want to view this weight loss journey as an opportunity to love myself more by taking care of myself better than I have in a long time.

My therapist recommended a nutritionist who's helped others succeed at weight loss, so I'm going to call her to schedule an appointment. I really want to lose weight and be healthier! Somehow, I have to figure out how to balance work, weight loss, and everything else in my life without feeling constantly drained and unfulfilled. 

I don't know how to change this mindset. But at least I feel like I'm a step closer in figuring it out. And now I have something to discuss in my next therapy session. :-)