Here comes the WAA-mbulance. The unconsolable, uncomfortable and nerve inducing emotions. Deep breath, relax. Shake it off, shake it off...
It's only a scale.
But to me it's not just a scale. It determines my self-worth for the day. The number tells me just how much I'm going to hate myself. It mocks me, shuts me down and depresses me. But, I keep coming back for more. I vow to walk away, never again to look at the digital display of just how much of a piece of crap I am. Oh, look, I'm on it again a few days later just to confirm my fears. Nope, still fat.
It's been a while since stepping on the $20 piece of equipment that directs my life. But, I've joined my first "game" and the weigh in is in two days. Every second ticking by gets me closer to peak anxiety. I'm putting my number out there for everybody (well, at least the referees) to see. TOTAL strangers who know nothing about me other than my most personal secret...my weight.
I'm continuously fighting my brain and my body. Negative thoughts swim around like pirhanna, waiting to consume any positive motivation that trickles through the negative. The years of past and current mental abuse and bullying are who I am. I'm convinced that I am the "FAT GIRL." It's all I've known. I've built myself around it and there's nothing I can do about it.
But, the funny thing is, I can.
I can do not just something, but everything. I can take my life back. I can have my life and stear it down the roads I want to go. I don't have to listen to them. I choose to listen to them. Because they are "family" or becase they are "friends." They don't have my best interests in mind and they tear me down because they're unhappy with themselves. And they can have the negativity, because I don't want it.
I don't have to be the "fat girl" anymore.
I can just be "Kirsten."