This is for the trying days.

This weekend was very difficult for me on a personal & emotional level.  Along with making healthier choices for my body, I've been working to make my lifestyle, in general, more healthy and productive.  So - that included trying to put myself out there in the dating pool.  Things were going well for a few weeks, and than not so well...culminating in feeling rejected, angry and foolish for even trying.  I felt like, in order to be accepted, I would have had to silence my own voice; acquiesce to the wishes of another.  I knew it had to end, but that doesn't mean doing so was any less hurtful.  Que: Opening the floodgates of self-loathing and failure (....and dying alone with 37 cats).  I can make light of it now - but it was really not pleasant.  

Also que: intense desire to eat my feelings.  Give me ALL THE SEAMLESS!  Pizza, wine and Hulu+ are never going to reject me.  I wanted to escape into that world and feel nothing.  I wanted to write about how I was feeling, but couldn't bring myself to do so.  

In the end - I did OK(ish) - I did, indeed, lose myself in a TV binge, but I kept myself from taking a whole pizza (plus some garlic bread, who am I kidding!) to the face.  #celebratesmallwins  I definitely ate more than I usually would - but it was mostly healthier food that I had at home. I did end up ordring in - but I was conscious to keep the order small.  

Then, Monday came - I have a 1.5 hour commute and back to back appointments from 11-7.  The last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym.  But - I knew, that if I didn't walk in that door, I would continue feeling weighed down, sad and miserable.  So I put on my workout clothes before I left the office, and put myself on a treadmill. I'm SO THANKFUL I did.  The feeling of my muscles heating up and my body moving like a machine again was the most curative thing I could have done for myself.  There were periods when I felt the bliss of being alone with the cadence of my foot-strikes, and brief moments when I took in the entire scene in front of me and felt connected to the other runners and elliptical-ers...moving and working in unison.  It was beautiful.  

So - take your difficult days.  Don't deny how you're feeling by smashing down the pain & slapping on a platitude. Feel the pain and use it when you can.