my obsession with weight started in Jr. High. I had short hair and that of a young, fat boy's body. It was daily I was mistaken for a boy, or bullied by my peers for being ugly and fat. I started to grow my hair out, and summer after grade 8 I hit my growth spirt that balance my weight with my height, I was more proportioned and in any sense 'normal, girl looking'. But I still wasn't happy with my appearance. By grade 9 I had developed several eating disorders, from anorexia to bulemia, I was starving but I would never let anyone know that. By the end of grade 9 going to grade 10 I had been my smallest, I was active in gym and track, but I was weak; especially when it came to the number on the scale. I was unhappy skinny fat. I took myself for granted, calling myself fat and ugly to my friends and peers so I could hear them tell me different; even if I didn't believe it. My insecurities had lead me to make some mistakes but I will never have regrets to the things that have happened; I learned from them.
By the end of grade 11 I was in my first real serious relationship, so I kind of hit a comfort zone and started to eat and keep my food down. I had gained 12 lbs by grad and I hated myself. My smaller clothes fitting so snug I found ever excuse to just wear sweat pants to school and hide from my shame. A year after graduation was the worst year, my boyfriend and I had moved in together, it was the worst decision I have ever made in my life. It was a horrible year of mistrust and betrayal. I never hated myself more, but I wouldn't stop eating either, which brought back my bulemia. There were always other girls prettier than me, I now look back and kick myself for letting someone bring me down so low and hate myself; I was weak.
Now I am strong.
i have fought all my insecurities and weaknesses, I've found balance, a home, love and support. I have found myself. It all started November 2015, when I started my weight loss journey with the 21 day fix. I'm happier, healthier and I'm not hungry. I never cared for the number on the scale and I walked into this with the same mind set, I was not going to let it going to control me like it has my entire life. Muscle weighs more than fat and that's what I wanted. After a couple months I finally weighed myself, shocked and overwhelmed with emotion, I had lost over 20 lbs. it's definitely been long, but my journey is not over; it's still only just begun