Day after day, day after day and night... I took care and gave everyone first place, but me. Then the someday came. It came two days after my thirtieth birthday celebration. I begun questioning if this is all I get in life. I had everything in place, doesn't get me wrong  -  great husband, two kids and a house to live a happy life. But I felt like I was just drifting through my life half asleep. That day, I could not bare to be in emotional exhaustion, crippled by a week, overweight body, that could not give me what I wanted, any longer. Dog gone, I am done with it! I can not sell out to the fears and lies that others freely gifted me with, for one more second. Look at me. 206 lbs tired! The voices were swishing in my head, much like a tornado, picking all the dirt and debris into the air. I could almost here them smashing against each other. And every time they did, my heart begun beating faster and faster. Some of them made my eyes cry. I hate crying! Because I was tought that crying is a sign of weakness. February 9th, 2009, I cried a flood. Maybe that's exactly what washed me out of all the mess I was in. 

Bang! Bang! Bang! Who is going to be stronger here? It is a battle of They said - I said, here.

You are too old. Get over it! Wait, what if I am not too old? I just turned 30 two days ago.

It runs in our family. Wait... But what if I have good genetics, mom? What if I am different?

Your two pregnancies put your body out of shape forever. Wait, wait...What if I could manage to rebuild my totally abandoned body and wear that darn two piece bikini, for the first time in my life? 

You have two small kids to take care of, you don't have time to exercise.

Wait!!! What if I could become a stronger and healthier mother and spill the greatness over to my kids?

The cool down happens in every marriage, just float along.

I sighted...What if I could drive my husband just as crazy as I did when we were 19 and 23?

What if? What if? What if?

But you don't have a slightest idea of what you are doing. How are you going to get there, ha?

Just let me do it, will you? I don't know how I am going to do it yet, but I am willing to try. 

I am willing to learn how to be myself for the first time in my life! I need change.

 

TBC