There has been a lot on my mind lately, and I figured that this is a good, safe space to talk it all out. So here goes...
I have had confidence issues my entire life. I know where the issues with my physical appearance came from (that is a post for another time), but the emotional issues are more of a mystery to me. I have a very loving family, who always loved and cared for me, and told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. But for some reason, from an early age I always felt like people wouldn't like me. I had friends growing up, some of them very close, but I was always partially hiding myself from them. I believed that if I was completely myself that I would be shunned.
Then we add on the body issues that I have had my entire life (even before I started gaining weight), and I just never really knew or liked myself. I didn't feel like people could like me, because why would they if I didn't even like me? So I kept part of myself hidden, and enjoyed friendships in a mostly superficial way. Because of this my weight gain continued to get worse and worse. Then, as most know, it became a vicious cycle of feeling awful about myself, and then eating for comfort, and then getting bigger and hating myself even more.
It wasn't until I started law school in 2010 that I started to see things a little differently. Going into law school I had a few friends from my hometown who I knew genuinely loved me. But for the first time I was with people who were like me. These law students were geeky, loved to read, but also liked to hang out and be ridiculous and have slightly crazy fun. Through my law school friends I met other twenty-somethings in the area who were amazing as well. I started to come out of the shell that people didn't even know I had.
Being an extrovert and an outwardly happy person, no one knew that I was hiding myself. I was fun and very loving, and loud and seemingly happy. But for the first real time, I started to show the parts of me that I had previously been afraid would scare people away. There was one friend in particular who I bonded with almost immediately. She and I became very close, and spent most of our time together. She saw the unhappiness lurking beneath my smiles. She saw that I didn't really like myself, no matter how many people around me did. Luckily for me, she is not the type of person who ignores that sort of thing.
I was used to keeping private things private. They were not to be discussed, and they were not something that people commented on. A very big private thing was my weight. I ignored the fact that I had gotten extremely overweight. I ignored the fact that I felt insanely unattractive and like I could never attract a man. I ignored the fact that I let it interfere with each and every relationship in my life.
One day this friend decided she wasn't going to put up with me not talking about it anymore. She ignored the fact that I was extremely uncomfortable, and plowed through all of my denials. She forced me to talk about why I was unhappy, why I didn't like myself, why I couldn't see the amazing person that she saw each and every day. I broke. I had never had anyone push me that way, and all of my emotions flooded out at once.
This amazing friend told me about her weight loss journey, and how hard it was, but how worth it it was. She told me that she had had the exact thoughts that I had had. She told me that she was there for me, and that no matter what size I was she loved me, and just wanted me to be happy, period. She listened. She didn't take my crap, and I could not be more appreciative of that. She told me that I would have her in my life forever, and that nothing was going to change that. Then she offered to work at it with me.
So we signed up for WeightWatchers along with one other friend. We started working out like fiends. We started p90x, 30 day shred, and then started boxing at a gym. The weight started to come off. I had lost weight before, but I had never had such a great accountability system. I had friends who were doing it with me. It became kind of a competitive game. We worked our asses off, literally. But the most important thing was that I had these amazing ladies telling me how great I was doing and how great I was looking, and I started to actually believe them. They were constantly encouraging me and complimenting me. We had each other and we made it work so well.
Since then there have definitely been bumps in the road. I put some weight back on while studying for the bar exam, and the craziness after. But then I joined dietbet with that same friend, and we are back at it. I am feeling confident again. I like myself. I have friends who truly love me for being me because they know the real me. I feel no need to hide who I am from anyone, because, heck I'm pretty awesome, and if they don't like me that's just fine.
Life hasn't always been easy for me, but that's okay. There will always be hard times. There will always be doubters, and haters. There will always be things in your way. There will always be negative voices in your head telling you that you're not worth it and to give up because you'll never hit your goal. But you know what? For every bad thing happening there are a dozen good. For every negative thought in your head someone out there has thought a positive one about you. YOU have to like you. That really is the most important part. I know that it is cliche, but it is true that you can't really believe in someone else's love for you until you love yourself.
This is a journey. I will not claim to be at my destination yet, but you know what? That's okay. I am worth it. I am worth the hard work that I put in each day. I am worth others' love. I have amazing people around me that cheer me on, and help me believe in myself. I am blessed. To that one friend, if you are reading this, thank you. Thank you so much for being my rock, for showing me my worth when I couldn't see it, for helping and guiding me, and most of all for loving me. I am who I am today because of you. You really are the best, and I love you so much, girl.