My first blog ever...how do I even begin? I guess I'll start by telling you a little bit about me. I'm a Stay At Home Mom of 2 kids; one who is special needs. Jake is 9, normal and healthy. However my daughter Grace is "unique." She is four years old and has a rare condition called Coffin-Siris Syndrome. There are only about 150 cases world wide. She doesn't walk, crawl, talk, or eat by mouth (she is fed via g-tube). She is my full time job. I was pregnant with her when my oldest son Jordan was battling cancer. He passed away when I was about 4 months pregnant. I don't think I had time to grieve. I had to focus on taking care myself during this pregnancy both emotionally and physically. After I had Grace, I never lost the pregnancy weight. I kept eating my emotions away with food. I tried to fill the emptiness with food. When I found out Grace had a syndrome, I was just devastated. I felt my whole world crumbling down. The stress of taking care of a special needs made me eat even more. I didn't care about myself anymore, I just let myself go. To be honest, there were times during the first two years I didn't want to live. I found myself Googling suicide so many times. How can live without Jordan? How can I find the strength to be a caregiver AGAIN when I was burned out already during the two years Jordan was sick... I methodically planned a way to end my life. I kept thinking it should've been me. He was suppose to outlive me. The feeling of "it's not right" I couldn't shake off.
Maybe that's enough blogging that for now. Don't worry, I'm okay now. It'll be 5 years this July since he passed away. I gained a lot of weight but a few years ago I lost some of it because I was asked to be in a wedding. After the wedding was over I gained it all back plus more. Earlier this year I realized it's time for me lose this grief weight. I started a low carb diet two months ago and lost 15 pounds so far. I started walking with a friend at our local sports park. This is huge deal for me because I rarely went outside. My neighbors joked with my husband that they didn't believe he was married (they never saw me outside). But here I am today, alive and ready to share my story. I'll blog about the darkness I went through and how I found the strength to want to live. I still hurt, I still grieve, and I still cry a million tears for Jordan. But that's okay because it's just a new normal. The pain and emptiness will never go away. I just need to keep going...keep living. Eventually you just learn to live with the pain.
I'm on this journey now to get back into shape physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have to admit that writing this blog is scary. Only a few people in my life knew about my suicidal thoughts. But maybe my story, my blog will help someone out there. Maybe one day I'll find an editor (because I'm horrible with grammar) and I'll write a book about my life. A book that will make you laught, cry, and feel inspired. I don't have an ending to the book because I'm still working on myself. I do know that I will eventually because I feel strongly that I'm on the right path for the first time in a very long time. To those that know me and the other struggles I had in my life, you know that I have so much to share and eventually I will. Whether I blog it, write a book, or just simply share it over a cup of coffee, I want people to know that if I can get through life's struggles and darkness, you can and will too.
This is for you Jordan! I love you and miss you so much........ ♥