DAY 112: Vacation revelation

Posted on July 13, 2015

I just got back from my first trip of the summer. It was full of things I couldn't have done last summer, or even a few months ago:

Doing the look-what-I'm-trying-on ritual while shopping with a girlfriend
Wearing a bathing suit
Wearing a bathing suit in public
Riding a zip line (I didn't actually do this because we ran out of time, but I would have been under the weight limit this trip, when I wouldn't have been a few months back)
Climbing up monstrously steep hills to get to the line for EVERY slide at the water park
Riding water slides in inflatable inner tubes (I would have been over the weight limit before)
Share a hotel room with another person and not be self-conscious that I would keep them up by snoring all night

...Which is why I gave myself permission to do a few things I haven't allowed myself to do much of during the past few months on this mission of mine:

Eat a sandwich and fries from Wendy's (it was the only option on the road, and I chose this over salad)
Eat a personal pizza from a popular restaurant at the vacation site
Eat free ice cream from the random ice cream social our hotel threw the first night there
Eat onion rings. Yeah, that's right. Onion rings.
Eat a piece of cheesecake from a hyped-up cheesecake place near the vacation spot
Fall short on steps for 2 days (not consecutively, at least)
Eat homemade no-bake cookies (not more than 1 a day, at least)
Make my own MASSIVE chocolate bar and take 3 bites of it before sticking it in the freezer until after I win my 2 pending Kickstarter Diet Bets
Eat 7 Milano cookies

It may sound like I am getting borderline passive about my habits of late, but I'm not on a slide. I'm still 100% committed to getting healthy, and still 100% confident that I can. This is part of the practicum of adapting to real life permanently. I'm not going to deprive myself of food when it's part of an experience of being in a new place, and I feel comfortable partaking because I fully know -- and stay within -- my limits. I am strong enough not to bow to group mentality. When my friend splurged a little extra, like when she got a milkshake in the middle of the day and offered to treat me to one, I passed. When the meal I ordered at the water park included chips in the price and they insisted they couldn't give me a reduction if I didn't take the chips, I still chose not to have them. I am keeping it all in check.

I only lost .4 pounds this past week as a result of my slackened grip these last few days, but I can honestly say I have no regrets. A loss is still a loss, and I made calculated decisions to deviate from my usual plans with full knowledge it would yield lower weight-loss numbers on the scale this week. I feel at peace with that, and I feel pumped to see how much I can work off this week.

I've talked before about feeling in control of this, so that's nothing terribly new or exciting. The reason this was a big deal for me is that the friendship I ended in January reared its ugly head the day before I left on this trip. My ex-friend sent me an e-mail saying sorry, blah blah blah. I had to search my soul about whether or not I wanted to pick off that scab by resuming contact, even if only to say "too little too late, fuck you very much" and call it a day. Do I respond at all? If no, will the unsaid things eat me alive? If yes, what do I say??

Instead of responding right away, I decided to practice this patience thing I've been working on and cool my jets about it. I thought it over during my long walk before the drive to the destination the next morning, and I could feel my blood starting to boil just gaming things out in my mind. Realizing that, and thinking of what a toxic relationship that was, and thinking about how quickly I said "I don't think I do" when the friend I was traveling with asked me later if I wanted to be friends with that person again, it occurred to me that anything I said in response would be an invitation for all that negativity and stress to enter my life again. I've come too far for that. After four full days of thinking it over, I ultimately opted for sanity and decided to say nothing in response to the ghost of that dead friendship.

I did all of that, while on vacation, without surrendering to the mild anxiety of the decision that lay before me by pigging out. I'm still nursing a damn heel spur, too, mind you. I had every excuse in the world lined up in a neat little row for me to play like a poker hand in the name of over-indulgence, and I purposely left those cards on the table. I feel proud and satisfied, and I completely stand by all of the choices I made over the past several days.

Nice try, old life, but you lose.

Comment Now!

bahhhhh

07/15/2015 8:19AM

Hooray! I think you're definitely on to something here-- toxic is toxic, be it in sludge-in-a-barrel form or bad-for-you-people form. I'm also a big fan of taking a step back before I respond to things like that ex-friend-o. I'm also a big fan of onion rings and cheesecake. I support all of your choices. You have my stamp of approval. And you may not be as impressed as I am about your .4 loss-- but with as much sodium as you probably shocked your body with (after eating so clean, those few indulgences were probably more salt than your body ever thought it would see again, lol), I betcha you'll see a nice drop once you're all completely re-hydrated. Great job, lady. I'm glad you got to take some time for you and have some fun and let loose a little!

Pirwaki

The Tia stamp of approval is the best form of validation! I completely agree that getting away from ALL things toxic is a necessity for a good life. It's such a relief to feel sure you've made the right choice. Probably not having bad-food chemicals in my brain is improving my judgment. ;-) Here's hoping for a big ol' drop this week... it's gonna be really close for my Kickstarters.

bahhhhh

LOL. Yes, my approval is the validation you need, LOL. You're doing so well! A close win is still a win-- WINNER! WINNER! (baked) CHICKEN DINNER!

Dianna C.

07/14/2015 11:13AM

Good for you for recognizing your need to maintain health in all areas of your life: food, activity, mental health/stress/anxiety, and balance! It is okay to put yourself first and not take somethng bad back into your life. Good for you!And, the balance part...I truly believe this is the KEY to long term health and success. The old versions of ourselves go on vacation and splurge, then come back and stay in vacation mode...the balance and key to it all is going and enjoying, living and loving your life, truly enjoying our random food choices-not just eating to eat, and realizing that food is not our only source of enjoyment...we can go to water parks and play, and walk and whatever. And then come back and focus and get back to our fitness or whatever.Sounds like you had a wonderful vacation, and are soooo on your way to success!!!

Pirwaki

Thanks, Dianna! I couldn't agree more about how important balance is. It's part of the learning process. You have to be able to adjust to the different modes of life, if you will, because it won't always be realistic to stick to the routine you've created for yourself. The trick is figuring out how to bend without breaking. Easier said than done, but totally worth figuring out.

Jocey

07/13/2015 6:45PM

Yay! Sounds like you had a great vacation. I love all of those things that you "splurged" on. And I completely agree, you have to live a little - and my life is not worth living if I can't treat myself to junk food every once in a while. Also, I'm proud of your decision to say no to the toxic environment that your ex-friend provides. I don't know the story other than what you've mentioned here - but I do know that in my life, the negative influences ALWAYS seem to have a direct impact on my ability to focus on myself and my goals. In the last year, I've purged the negatives from my life and I feel much better for it. Keep up the great work!!!

Pirwaki

Thanks, Jocey! Cutting out the negatives has been the biggest lifestyle change of anything. Keeping them out is a challenge, but you also know what's good for you, and it's important to keep that perspective. I don't think it's a coincidence that breaking free of some of the bad relationships or influences of my life has been simultaneous with the success I've been able to have with losing weight. I have to clean up my emotional health along with my physical health. So, thanks for the support, and for being one of the new positive voices in this part of my life! I'm glad you're cutting out the negatives, too, and that it's been paying off.