As some of you may have noticed on the boards, I am always positive and trying to motivate/cheer on others in their weight loss journey. I have always been that kind of person. If you ask friends or coworkers about me, they will most likely tell you I'm kind, loyal, dependable, a hard worker, and always trying to make people laugh or smile. But...
There is a saying, "The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do." This is me. Now let me clarify, I was not abused as a child and didn't have anything horrific happen to me. I have two loving parents who have been married for 40 years and an older sister who suffers from Cerebral Palsy (but doesn't let it slow her down). I have a wonderful husband and a mischievous little boy who will turn two in March. I have a great job working in technology and helping support local school districts and I couldn't ask for better friends and coworkers. It is not the outside world that I battle every day. It is the one in my head.
As a young girl, I had a pretty average body type. I wasn't overweight, but I wasn't stick thin either. I was healthy. As I got older though and headed into middle school, my body started changing very quickly. In sixth grade, when I was 12-years-old, I was wearing a B-cup bra. Middle school kids (notice I'm not saying boys, because the girls were even worse) can be very cruel. I was moo'ed at, boys tried to "bump" into me in the hallway with their hands at chest level, girls spread rumors about how easy I was, and all because I developed early. I was an all A student and participated in many afterschool activities, but the taunting and teasing followed me everywhere.
By the time I hit high school, I had managed to dress myself in a way that made me look larger than I was, but camouflaged my, now D-cup, breasts. While the taunting and teasing pretty much ceased altogether (since everyone was more focused on themselves and their level of popularity), it had ingrained itself in my mind that every time I looked in a mirror, I heard those taunts. Only now, they were in my own voice. I started eating for comfort and when I graduated high school was somewhere around 180 pounds. I'm 5'10" so it looked more like I was 160, but I knew I wasn't healthy.
Entering college, I started making changes, but the stress from full course loads and working three jobs didn't help my situation. At my heaviest, I was 212 pounds. Again, on the outside, I was a great student, fun to be around, always smiling, but on the inside I was still the 12-year-old girl being taunted about her chest. No one, not family, not friends nor coworkers would ever say I was depressed. They never saw it. To this day, they still don't know my battles, because as the saying goes I "do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way [I] do".
Let's fast forward to now. Over the last 15 years since I graduated college, I've been able to mute the little voice in my head (or at least turn down her volume), but she's still there. When I post pictures of my son or inspirational quotes to the board, they help me just as much as I'm hoping they inspire you because I know that someone, somewhere got a smile out of it and that makes me happy. And even though this has been an especially tough year because my husband lost his job last January and still has been unable to find work (although he is looking diligently every day), my uncle passed away unexpectedly before Christmas and we abruptly had to put one of our dogs down, I still try to find the positive in each and every day.
Why am I telling you all this? Because here is what I've learned from my battles (I hope my lessons can help someone else):
1. Your biggest enemy will always be yourself. Yes, it's nice when other people tell you that you're looking good and keep up the good work. But if that little voice inside your head disagrees, it will be like the compliment never existed. This is why you should always, Always, ALWAYS be kind to yourself. When you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and give yourself three compliments. They don't have to be based on physical appearance. Just the habit of telling yourself you are AWESOME (because you are) makes a difference.
2. Don't worry about what others think. This goes along with #1. The only opinion that matters (and should ever matter) is your own! What happened to those kids who taunted me in school? I have no idea. The only person I know, or care about, from that era is me. Enough said.
3. If you have a small setback, don't kill yourself over it. This is my fourth DietBet. Each time, I've lost the weight and won the DietBet. The rub? I've gained the weight all back. But here's the kicker, I keep signing up instead of giving up. I could have easily just said "three strikes, I'm out...no more bets for me" and gone my happy, unhealthy way, but I didn't want to be a quitter. So here I am, on number four and you know what? This time, I'm not going to see that weight again (I tell myself that every morning).
I could most definitely go on and on, but I'm pretty sure this is a long enough read for now. Let me close with this...
I believe in each and every one of you. Should that matter to you? No, because I'm not you. You need to believe in yourself. But, if me telling you that someone out there believes in you motivates you to do the same, then I want to repeat, I BELIEVE IN YOU.
As for that little voice in my head I spoke of earlier...she peeks out every now and then, but when I start to hear her, I just go look in the mirror (or the face of my son) and internally scream at her "I AM AWESOME!!!" That usually jolts her back into her cell. :)