It's sometimes strange when your dreams get realized - the accomplishment comes, but the struggle lessens, the old you still feels like the current you and the new you feels exciting and strange.
I've been going through radical and exponentially faster inner and outer growth over the last five years. And this past February, I commited to getting into the best shape of my life in every aspect I could see - physicall, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. I'll just talk about the physical here but want to recognize that all of these are interdependent.
So physically, I wanted to take on lowering my blood pressure, being able to do a pull-up (just one at least!) unassisted, hopefully being able to do the splits three ways, and getting to at least 10 lbs away from the "normal" range weight for my height of 5'4". I started out 25 lbs away from that goal this past February, and I am THRILLED to say I have lost those 25 lbs!!! Here's where the credit goes:
1. Commitment to this being a long-term goal.
I knew that this would not happen in a month or even three months. I told myself I would give it a year - I would commit through the emotional ups and downs as well as the physical ups and downs. I promised myself in advance that if I didn't make goals or if I became depressed or upset, that I would those emotions gently and understand that they would pass. They would not mean failure: They would mean that I was human.
2. Meditation and Awareness training.
Meditation sitting, walking, and living has been integral to the self-compassion I mentioned above. It also allowed me to tune in, over years of practice, closer and closer, so I could hear what my body was really saying to me, moment by moment. It wasn't just a difference between craving and hunger - so far beyond that. It was hearing from my body that it wanted to move, it LOVED to move! It was hearing from my body the sadness it held, hearing the old pains and shame that was willing to have me see it. This is an ever-unfolding process.
3. Community.
This online community was and is so helpful, especially during the first few months this past winter/spring. My roomates and friends all stepped in at different times, and I recruited them depending on what I was needing and working with. Some were weight-loss buddies, some were healthy eating friends, some were workout buddies, and some were kind champions for the long-term goals I had and have.
So now, here I am, faced with a new me. In the past, when I'd lost weight, there would be a rebound and a losing track of my commitments. There would also be just a full letting go of even paying attention to how much and what I was eating and how often I was exercising. I found it to be predictably cyclical; abstaining and indulging, back and forth. Now, AT LAST, finally, I'm finding some home in the middle ground. It is a wonderful and amazing space, and I'm still getting comfortable with it, still learning to trust it - that I can live here for at least a while.
And now that this goal of 25 lbs lost has come, now what? Do I go all the way to "normal" range? It's not too far away. And where else am I redefining myself?
I remember when I was in my 20s, because of a condition I had with my feet, I thought I would never run or even hike in my lifetime. After I recovered from surgery and lost enough weight that I was no longer obese, just overweight, I was able to run and began to enjoy how I felt exerting my body that way. Now I'm at a whole 'nother world I didn't think I'd arrive at. What did I not think was possible before that might be possible now?