This cycle of detoxification has not been the most comfortable transition for me, but it hasn't been the worst. In the past, I would get so disgusted - either with how I felt or with what number was on the scale - that I would go into despair and then into a detox (giving up alcohol and/or sugar and/or dairy and/or white flour) in a retributory rage to get back in "control" and make my body do what I wanted it to. Of course, what I wanted my body to do for so many years was to let me dominate, ignore and abuse it and still look vital and healthy. Kind of like a stepford wife.
Then the cycles became less and less vengeful. I'd still get disgusted with how I felt/looked and make a shift to some clean eating/drinking, but it just felt like a natural change of the seasons. As my perspective grew longer, I saw the fear in each cycle; fear that indulging would turn into overindulging (it did), fear that overindulging would make me have to detox (it did), fearing that the detox "high" would run out and give way to indulging again (it did). But even though there was consistently that anticipatory fear, the perspective and acceptance of cycling was growing.
Then I proposed a hypothesis - perhaps it was possible to enjoy every part of the cycle. Rather than being someone who complains it's not warm enough in the spring and complains that fall will be over too soon, could I be someone who enjoyed the temperature and what was blossoming or hibernating most of the time? My meditation and mindfulness practices were a primary tool in tapping into this path of gratitude naturally springing from the body, as was creative expression based on the feelings in my body (movement, writing, etc.). I started to enjoy each part of the cycle - the indulgences, the "high" of the detox, and even the ritual of seeing the body getting ready (or saying "enough already!") for clean eating. Rather than punishing myself for a little weight gain and yet again going online for new healthy recipes, I began to develop depth in my perspective. Not only do the cycles come and go in their own time, but I can enjoy the tradition of the transitions!
With each "season," I beat myself up less and less. Nowadays, I'm finding that I can even enjoy a new season - the "balanced" phase - when I'm eating non-toxic foods most of the time and here and there enjoying a drink or two, a dessert, or my favorite almond croissant at the coffeeshop. I never thought I'd see the day that this season would enter my life, but I know that it's only made its debut because I stopped trying to make it happen all the time. Allowing all the cycles, appreciating all the cycles, enjoying all the cycles, and letting go of dominating my body was the path towards more and more balance.
I'm not in a balanced phase now. :-) I'm just a week or so into a detox that began with a silent meditation retreat, and I don't think it could have been such a gentle transition without the meditation. Digital addiction had brought me pretty deep into reactivity, anxiety, and scarcity, and it wasn't until a few days into the retreat that I reconnected with ease and groundedness in my belly.
On the fridge of a lady for whom I used to babysit was a magnet that read, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." At the time, I embraced the message. Later, I revolted at the thought of it. But now, I want to recreat it: "Nothing tastes as good as ease and joy in the body." That feeling, of my body being supported, held, and loved by the earth, tastes better than anything. And I can feel that way no matter what cycle or transition I'm in. Coming home to ease, connectedness, and compassion in the body opens all the doors to a true experience of health.
I wish you all great ease, peace of mind, and peace of body this spring.
Love,
Julie Ann
www.julieannotis.com