Good afternoon to whoever might stumble upon this. I have no set agenda for this blog post, unlike my last introductory post, just thought that some theraputic journaling might be healthy and potentially eye-opening to myself. I seem to express myself so much better through writing and get new insights into my own life when I free-write. So here goes:
Today is the third day of the challenge and of my new style of eating. Not a diet....lifestyle change. How many times have I have said that before?! I can recall at least four times within the past three years. And it never sticks. This lifestyle change. It never lasts. I either succumb to the "need" for food or start having success, start to fit into smaller clothes and then relax, ruining all and any progress that I had. But not this time. This time, I really want and need to do this. I have a running list of all of the reasons that I need to do this and lose the weight but I also hear the voice of defeat, temptation, and desire in the back of my mind. "You can't do it, you've never been able to do it. You're weak. It's genetic, look at the rest of your family. You've had a rough day...eat whatever you want....you'll feel better." It's hard to ignore that voice and push it away but I'm discovering that that voice is not my own. It is the voice of the devil. I started a Bible Study called "Freedom from Emotional Eating" by Barb Raveling and it makes so much sense. I'm only on the second day of the study/workbook so I'm sure I'll learn a whole lot more, but it's already been eye opening. When I (we) turn to food for comfort/deliverance, we turn away from God and we give that stronghold (for me that's food) power over us. Here is a quote from the study:
God says, "I'm your refuge--come to me." But it's so much easier to grab a bowl of ice cream, turn on the television, or call a friend. The ice cream will deaden the pain. The television will numb the mind. The friend will listen and feel sorry for us. But God will say, "No wonder you're unhappy. You're not living for me," or "You need to get off the couch and get busy; I have things I want you to do for me today."
The bad refuges [food, internet, projects, relationships, cleaning, books, shopping, etc] don't require anything of us, so they're easy escapes. Going to God for refuge is much more difficult because He does ask something of us. He wants us to live for Him, and living for Him isn't always comfortable.
But who's the better refuge? The more we go to God for comfort and help, the more He'll begin to control us. His peace and joy will flood into our lives as we submit to Him (Galatians 5:22-23, Hebrews 12:11).
When we go to other refuges for comfort or help, they also begin to control us. I said that they don't require anything of us, but that's only true in the beginning. If we go to them too often, they require everything of us for we are no longer in control. They wreak havoc in our lives, yet we can't seem to change our behavior.
Ok, so that was more than just a quote and was more like a whole passage, but you get the idea. Food is my stronghold and I try to regulate my feelings and emotions with food. I self-medicate with it. Even as a kid, food was a reward. Making all A's on the report card, having an extra good day at school, etc. But food was also used to soothe. Had a bad day, being super stressed, a broken heart, a death in the family. I've never looked at food in a healthy way--as just being fuel for my body. That's what I'm trying to wrap my head around.
Right now things are still easy, the cravings haven't started yet. The detox headaches have begun and so has the foggy brain, as well as the moodiness. I've done this before though and know that these will pass and I'll feel so much better once all of the sugar and processed junk has left my body. I just need to remember to JERF (just eat real food) and keep my portion sizes small. Because let's be honest, everyone eats more than they should. A healthy human stomach should be the size of a clenched fist. Now go look at your plates and bowls. Yeah....even when the food is healthy and wholesome, our portion sizes are still off. I also need to keep in mind my reasons for trying to not only get skinny (let's be real...I'm a plus size girl who dreams of being someone skinny) but also healthy:
- To have energy to play with my kids. I can barely chase my daughter without getting out of breath.
- To lengthen my stay on Earth so that I can hopefully watch my children have children
- To feel like my outside matches my inside
- To be confident and not always feel like I need to hide
- To be a role model to my daughter so she can see what a confident woman and mother looks like
- To teach my children how to eat healthy before they start having weight problems or start relying on food
- To be able to sit on an airplane without feeling like a sausage
- To be able to sit 3 people in the backseat of a car comfortably and not have to sit on my hip in order for there to be enough room for everyone AND the door to be able to close easily
- To be able to walk into any store and be able to EASILY find clothes that fit me
There's so many more things I could add to my list but I think that's enough today. My free time is gone and I must return back to my obligations. To whoever reads this, I hope you find some encouragement or some understanding, or whatever it may be that you're looking for. We're all here to support one another in their battle for health. My thoughts go out to you. May you have success on your journey.
Until later,
Mary