I have spent nearly my entire life, at least the last 25-30 years, thinking about my weight. I am an educated woman, a mom to 2 young children, a professional....and still i am fixated on something that there IS a formula for that i simply can NOT overcome....or DO NOT overcome. I don't want to think about it all the time, i do not want to dread getting dressed every day hoping something will fit AND not be incredibly sloppy. I do not want to deny intimacy to my husband because i feel bad about me. i do not want my kids to have these issues. i do not want my kids to be ashamed of me. it is like perpetual failure to be this heavy! i don't want to give up, but i am soooo tired of this. it shouldn't be worth losing people or opportunities....and yet, here i sit at almost 180 lbs. Only 6 lbs away from the heaviest (non-pregnant) weight i've ever been. i wish i could actually have a breakthrough as to WHY. I am nearly a professional at this! diet/nutrition/fitness and YET here i am. i understand why other people are overweight....just ask me. :-) and i get that I am overweight because i eat more than i burn. what i don't understand is why. why is it that sometimes i'm uber motivated. Sometimes i do really really good for a day or a week or even a couple months. i might even get to a weight that is more comfortable. not that i am where i need to be but where i am not afraid to get dressed in the morning. but i always fall off the wagon. i fall off and then i get run over and over and over and over....why at night, when nobody is around (even if i've eaten a very healthful menu that day in quantity and quality) i will binge....ridiculously binge....shamefully binge....i do really really good or really really bad....there is no middle ground. i feel like if i've accepted that i am 'off' the healthy wagon, i eat everything i can. not just what's available but i actually seek out any/all bad food i might want so that when i am back 'on' i won't feel tempted to eat those things when i can't. does that even make sense to anyone else? maybe i am just crazy.
so here i am again...day 1....i am turning 40 in 4 weeks. i have had that ominous day as a motivator/goal date for a long time....last year around this time for example i actually had the goal to get to my goal weight by then....and it would've been possible....at new years, it was still possible....this summer it was looking less possible, but if i really buckled down and focused, i could do it. i signed up for and started training for a marathon....my first.....another bucket list item before the big 40. then i crashed and burned (figuratively) in mid august and for a whole bunch of reasons i won't bore you with, i stopped training....i had gotten up to the 14 mile run. (last year when i signed up for this same marathon...i got as far as the 18 mile run in training) and then life exploded and i failed....this year life is again crazy or still crazy, but not as bad as last year and now i've had to accept that i waited too long and i am not going to be able to do it again. now i am just hoping that by my birthday i could be more comfortable. i still want to get to my goal weight which is ~60 lbs, minimum of 45 lbs, but in 4 weeks i can't do that without cutting off a limb. so i at least want to wake up that day and be able to wear something cute. not worry that it'll fit. enjoy my day without thinking about how disgusting i am. i don't want to be stressed out or angry whenever i see a mirror....avoiding it....hating myself. hating. i AM crazy. this is ridiculous.
well....so far so good today. :-) other than having to face the horror of the damage i've done to myself. how did i let myself get here.......
my goal is 160's at least (maybe mid-160s).....or as low as i can go healthfully....we all know that the first couple of days are more than average because of water....so i am thinking with that out of the equation i'll get to maybe 175...so really its about 10 in 4 weeks....which is alot, but doable with work.
i bet if i post this ya'll are gonna either gonna say WOW...crazy or at least feel alot better about yourself! *grin*
Good luck everyone!