It's a mess... but it's working

Posted on October 21, 2014

"INSANITY: Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results!"

I will be the first to admit.... I'm INSANE!

So here I am, I feel like writting today and might as well write here. I haven't posted a blog yet. It will be a mix of my crazy life, my failures, my accomplishments etc etc.

I joined this dietbet because I've seen it a time or two and always wanted to be a part of something huge! I can't wait to see when it's over, and while my weight loss will only be a tiny bit of what the over all loss is. I will know that I was a part of it. I have this "need" if you will... this need to be a part of something. I love Jillian, I love what she stands for, I love her determination and her drive!

Alright, while the above paragraph is not a lie... it is not the only reason for my joining. I mean other than the fact that I am over weight, I have been stuck for over a year...mainly lack of trying. I did drop about 50 lbs around 2 years ago, platued and then just gave up. Good news I only bounced back and forth 7lbs ish. Here is why I have really decided to join and work my boot-ay off trying to drop this weight again. Here is where you will most likely lose all respect for me, rather you know me or not.

This year.. after 12 years of being married, 14 of being together. I finally left! I left an emotionaly and physically abusive relationship. A husband that would choose alochol over wife, kids, family on the daily. I didn't leave because I fell out of love. In fact for some reason I do believe I still love him. But I left because dammit I deserved better, even if being on my own was lonely, my kids and I would have better. So off I went. And while I believe I left for a damn good reason, signing the divorce papers still left me with a major feeling of failure! I failed at this marriage that I spent nearly half my life in.

Months of tears, heart ache and him begging me to come back and me standing strong. Finally he broke me and I told him I would try one more time. Even though I had sworn the last time he hit me and I moved out that I would never go back. He got into my head again and made me believe that our kids need us together. <--- yup I'm that stupid. Anyway, so I went to go back the day after he asked. I showed up like I was supposed to and low and behold. He has a girlfriend... <-- yup I'm that stupid! He met this woman and moved her in after only two weeks of knowing her. Into my house, with my stuff still there and my kids stuff still in there. Anyway, (and let me tell you I am really not this hateful and never have been.... but man do I hate this chick, she has been in my life since April and him and her... well they think they are Gods gift to earth and we should all bow down to them...ain't happenin..not from me) so after dealing with these two I have had it. What does this have to do with the dietbet you are probably wondering? Yeah I'm getting to that. SHE IS DISGUSTING! Her attitude, her looks and her weight! My darling-still husband because the divorce is taking forever. Constantly tells me that she is so wonderful, and then calls me fat, ugly, horrible etc etc (yup childish games). I weigh less than half of what this woman weighs. So the dietbet comes along and I'm like. I don't want you back, but I am finally going to drop this weight and these two people will be my driving force. I'm going to be the hot ex-wife! <-- childish I know!

"Any experience can be transformed into value. What are stumbling blocks and defeat before you, can be stepping stones to victory if you remain determined!"

I know that my driving force is a negative one, but I can turn it into a positive is the way I look at it. I know I have control over my own life... or at least I know I should. He still has so much power over my emotions. He still gets to me and his words can cut you like a knife. I mean stab and wrench to where you honestly feel like you are bleeding. But.. I feel like if I meet my goal and go for the next one then I am winning. I am finally accomplishing something I have meant to accomplish for so long, and everyday that I get up and put my pants on and they are less and less tight, I did that! I am accomplishing something. And it will pay off. I have health problems, I'm facing more health problems, this is going to help me.

it's a mess.... but it's working.

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What am I doing to lose the weight? I hit the treadmill 5x's a week.

Jillian work out 3x a week

Protien type foods for breakfast

light lunch usually a salad

and a mostly healthy sit down dinner with my kids

I have given up all soda (never had that much anyway)

My daily sweet green tea-replaced that with hot unsweet green tea

tons of water

and occasionally that pink drink from Plexus

Comment Now!

Dave M.

10/22/2014 9:31AM

Way to grab life, Eleshia! Ain't no one else gonna make things better, we all find motivation in strange places :-)

Eleshia C. likes this comment.

Tammilicious

10/21/2014 11:49AM

I don't read the posts often, but something led me to read yours today, just now. Gotta say, I certainly didn't lose any respect for you - on the contrary, I applaud you! It doesn't matter right now what your motivation is, it matters that you're doing something positive for you and your kids. You call this a failure, but I think it's just being human. We all fail at some things and succeed at others. I also lost about 50 pounds total over several years, bit by bit, and then boom! gained it all back and then some, so I see your success in that arena, where I feel I've failed. We can't let those things stop us. I can't imagine what your life has been like, but when I read your post I hear strength, determination to overcome your past, I hear a fighter, not a failure. I hear a winner, and my money's on you. :)

Tammy

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Crystal S.

Girl, there is nothing wrong with admitting that your life is hard. I've felt the same, because my troubles seems so trivial compared to other people I know. As much as we know we shouldn't compare ourselves to others, we do it even in this way, Having a crappy husband is hard. Leaving a relationship is hard. Him still having power over you is hard. You don't have to minimize your pain because someone else's pain is different than yours. Your struggle is valid, your struggle is real. With that said, you are awesome! Even if your motivation comes from a dark place, taking your health into your hands is a wonderful decision for you and your children. Good luck!

Eleshia C.

Thank you Crystal!!! I hope the challenge is going well and I hope you have great motivation behind you!