I have been looking for motivation to get healthy. For me, that does mean a huge change in the number on the scale. When Natalie first mentioned Diet Bet, I thought to myself what a neat idea. But it just sort of bounced off of me and I went about my life. December is a month of non-stop baking in my household. I make a different batch of cookies; some are given away as presents, some are kept for our family to nibble on. We did a WHOLE LOT of nibbling this year! And I can feel it. I am uncomfortable in my own skin; moving is not fluid -- well, maybe it is since I feel like a wave pool whenever I try running. But I feel clumsy, graceless, and above all unhealthy.
I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythamatosus (SLE) in 2009 and have let my health deteriorate since. Because I can't be in the sun for very long without causing a Lupus flare, I avoid all of the things I used to enjoy doing: playing with my kids, swimming, running, etc. I have led an almost completely sedentary lifestyle over the past five years. I had a pretty bad injury that contributed to my lack of gym-usage, followed by a pregnancy that left me wheelchair bound for a few months. All good excuses, but excuses nevertheless.
My youngest just turned three and I still weigh nearly as much as I did when I was nine months pregnant with her. No longer is the excuse "oh, it is just baby fat" valid. I am beyond overweight; I am obese. My husband says I carry it well, but that does not change the fact that I am in chronic pain -- most of which is obviously weight related.
I am overall healthy. My blood tests and whatnot always come back perfect. I have excellet blood pressure, no cholesterol issues, great lungs, and despite the Lupus, I'm doing okay on the inside. However, I have little to no energy. Yes, Lupus definitely effects that, but not exercising is such a great contributor to that vicious cycle that I should be arrested for attempted murder on myself at times! I know that I am killing myself. I know that at this rate, I will not live into my 90s as so many of the women in my family have done.
So I decided, okay 2015. This is it. This is the year. It's not about getting to a size 2, like I was before I had my first child. This is about being able to walk up the stairs without being winded. This is about being able to chase my three year old around the house without wanting a nap directly afterward. This is about feeling good going out in public with my husband. This is about making sure I live long enough to watch my children hit their adult milestones.
I am addicted to food. I am a very good cook and can generally replicate -- and improve upon -- foods that I've had once or twice in restaurants. Sweets are my downfall. Cookies, cakes, candies, chocolate... those are the dirty "C" words to me. And warm, delicious, fresh baked bread...
I digress. I told my husband that I was going to do this whole Diet Bet, as a kickoff to my resolution to get fit. He looked at me in a way that I could only interpret as resigned positivity; he is my rock, but he has been in this same lackluster cheerleading position before and I know he's worried that I'll see it as a failure, give up, and fall to pieces again. I want to do this for me and for him. To be a healthy wife that he can rely on to be there in the long run.
I had him take my weigh-in picture. I didn't show him the scale and he thankfully did not notice the rather large number. I then closed the bathroom door to take a photo of the close-up, showing the dreaded number and the word of the day. I then sat on the floor and started to cry. But not for long. I will not fail this time. I am ready. I want this. I need this.
It's now or never.