It's the old familiar tale...girl comes to terms with being overweight and, with a determined glint in her eye, decides to make healthy changes. The weight slides off, she's feeling good, strong. She confidently turns away the bread basket, prepares fresh delicious meals, she gets to the gym as if was an appointment to keep, and she knows this it the last time. There won't be a another yo to her yo-yo dieting.
And then a bump in the road appears. Perhaps a loved one needs surgery, maybe the gym gets shut down (true story!), or possibly one of another hundred things happens and the momentum is lost. She starts sneaking the occasional fast food or pint of ice cream. Not giving up, she just feels frustrated when the scale moves in the wrong direction. Feeling like Sisyphus rolling that rock up the hill, she questions why is it she wants to lose weight in the first place. Wouldn't it be easier to just be happy with her obesity, put up with taking pills, get used to the doctor telling her she'd feel better and live longer if she lost the weight.
So, as you may have guessed, I'm that girl in the story. As I approach the end of my 30's , having spent nearly 30 years in some state of trying to lose weight (sometimes needing to, sometimes just *thinkig* I needed to), I'm tired. I spend my time thinking about my weight, thinking about food, planning food, dreaming of not being fixated on food, but still loving food. I spend my money on countless wardrobes (size 14 spring, size 18 summer, size 16 autumn, etc.) and on a trainer (who has helped me so much). But with all that outlay of time and money, I'm still not at my goal weight. What will get me there? Whenever I taste success, I sabotage it. I've lost 20-30 pounds repeatedly. I feel great, confident and then all of a sudden I find a reason (excuse) to stop being successful.
I'm a strong person. Knowing this I know I can get to my goal weight if I really want to. I quit smoking 10 years ago. I've lost weight before. I passed the freaking Illinois bar exam! I feel so silly when I'm with my healthy fit friends and they are complaining about their weight. They know I pay for a trainer, they know I (say I) spend time in the gym and know all the delicious, whole food cooking recipes. But in their eyes, they must see me as I am. A good 60 pounds overweight throwing time and money away.
So, again, I'm gearing up to push that rock up the hill. To not let past failures define me. I'll focus on the successes I have had. I will not let a two week binge be in charge of my health.