Sometimes, I just feel like the universe has my back.
Things have been really tough at work again this week, and even though I've been handling it well -- not slipping back into old patterns, expressing frustration instead of eating it, etc. -- it's been trying. Two days ago, at the end of a completely unproductive meeting where no one addressed anything of relevance, I kind of lost my shit and went on a 5-minute rant about the time we all just wasted and how if we want to stop being all talk, we need to discuss things that actually matter. It turned into a singular focus on one particular example of my point, and I got a little bit in someone's face for not being on top of what she needed to be on top of. This person outranks me and this was in a group of about 16 people. I mean, I wasn't over the top or yelling or insubordinate, and I didn't go out of my way to embarrass anyone, but I was firm, assertive, and unapologetic. Since it was the end of the meeting, I wasn't sure how that whole thing went over, and decided to just shrug it off -- if it were terrible, I surely would have heard about it right away.
Yesterday, while heating up my lunch, one of the people who had been part of that meeting came into the room. We greeted each other, and then she immediately got serious and said, "There's something I need to say to you." Uh-oh. I was pretty sure she was about to tell me I had behaved unprofessionally and crossed an unnecessary line in the meeting the day before. Instead, she said, "You look GOOD."
We then spent the next 10 minutes talking about my weight loss. My co-worker's affirmation really built me up after a string of crummy days. She was effusive with her compliments and encouraging with her support. To top it all off, we ended up talking about the previous day's meeting at the end of the conversation when I confessed to her that's where I thought she was going when she originally approached me, and she laughed. She told me she was nodding at everything I was saying in the meeting and was glad someone finally stood up to hold people accountable! Double affirmation!
I think -- and I hope -- the main source of the heightened stress at work is coming to an end today, so relief is in sight. My horrendous January taught me never again to let the tension get the best of me, and this time around, I've learned to channel it into more productive avenues than overeating and sleep loss. I haven't strayed from my meals at all or lost a wink of sleep in the face of this, or my heel spur, or the last few days of unwelcome hip pain.
Also, my previous go-rounds with weight loss have taught me that being all touchy about it is immature and counterproductive. You can't simultaneously want to hide it from everyone, yet hope people comment on your progress. I'm forcing myself to get comfortable with having conversations about it when people give me compliments, not only for my own accountability in the process, but also for my own personal growth. It's always been harder for me to accept praise than criticism, and that's just stupid. I want the recognition, and damn it, I deserve it. I'm still having an easier time talking about it with strangers than with those closest to me, but progress is progress. I'm working on it.
The universe is peppering my path with reassurance at very opportune times. It's reinforcing the lessons I've learned and helping me embrace new ones. It's incredible how all-encompassing the weight-loss adventure can be if you open yourself up to everything it offers. I'm just in awe of that. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
I'm getting more excited all the time about what life will be like at the end of this whole experience. I know I'm already healthy, and I have full confidence that I can continue to become even healthier. I'm starting to see enough changes in my body to imagine what the thin version of myself will look like, and that's mind-blowing to me. But most importantly, I'm really starting to discover my (new?) personality -- it's like meeting a new (schizophrenic) friend. I'm starting to respect and appreciate myself in a way I don't think I ever have.
I think I'm really going to like the girl waiting for me at the finish line.