I've been overweight for as long as I can remember. I have a vivid memory of someone in 5th grade telling me I weighed too much because I was 109 and she was only 89lb. I didn't understand at the time that at 5 feet tall, I was healthy, even though the number on the scale was higher than my short friend. I don't really even know why I was getting on a scale at 9 years old, but I know that by the time I graduated high school I weighed 235. I managed to lose 50lb my first few months of college. To be honest, it was completely unhealthy. I just didn't eat, and I walked a lot and went to the gym every day. My friends were concerned about me, and I was getting muscle cramps and things from lack of nutrition. Needless to say I gained the weight back over the next few years. I eventually got married, had a baby, and topped out at 289 at my first OB visit with my daughter. I was 314 at delivery, but I don't count that because so much of it was water.
I lost about 30lb after I had her, and kept it off pretty well. When I got pregnant with my son, I didn't even hit 289 at the end of my pregnancy, which was a huge relief. And though I'm 35lb down from my highest, I have a long way to go. 88.4lb to be exact. Which is less than 125 but... it's still a lot.
The thing is, I have a lot of health problems, and while I'd have them regardless of my weight, I want to be able to say I did everything I could to be as healthy as possible. My two tiny babies deserve that much. And I'm finding this process to be tolerable... maybe even fun... this time around. I think I have a different outlook on weight loss and my life. I know I'm not going to be perfect, and I don't expect it. But I know that I have to keep going. I know a gain doesn't mean I'm a failure, and eating pizza isn't "wrong". That exercise can actually be fun, and healthy food doesn't have to taste like cardboard. It's slow going because I'm stubborn and picky, but as long as I'm trying I'm moving in the right direction.
I have a lot of things to look forward to and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to get scuba certified and not feel like a whale in a wetsuit. I want to swim with whale sharks and not have anyone lose me in the crowd (har har). I want to go to a wedding and wear a cute dress and feel happy, not self-conscious. To go to a pool and not feel the need to hid behind something... anything...
I want to buy clothes because I like them, not because they're the only things that fit me! And I want to take my kids to Disney World and KEEP UP with them.
I never want to look back on another photo and think "Oh my god how did I let myelf get this way"? And I know I'm the one in control, and I'm the only one that can make the change. I feel like I'm ready to do what I need to do to finally get my life and my health in order, and it's already making me happier.