As I am reaching the end of anouther dietbet, I thought I would try to keep up momentum and write anouther blog post.

Although I think I will make my gole weight, it will be a tight one. Yet again I made the gole with in a few weeks and then it was maintaining that was the issue and I put about 5lbs back on. This worries me for the future. To be honest right now, I think the most importent thing is to keep up the momentum. Hopefuly over time, my portion size should naturaly shrink and I should crave exersise and more healthy foods, the more I train my body. I just dont want to lose the weight I need and then put it all back on, and more aside. I need to change my past habits.

So this is me trying to deal with some of my issues. The real question is "Why havn't I sucseeded before". Honestly I dont know if I was really trying for me. My mother wanted me to lose weight to look better and be healther. I have always known that if you lose weight you are more likly to be healther, live longer and not get terrible deseases. But I like a lot of people thing more about asthetics. I want to look and feel better in myself. But I dont think I really wanted it. I didn't have the drive to do it for me. I tried for a few weeks and got lulled in to treats a few times a week, then once a day until I was having treats once a meal, which is NOT a treat. That is a lifestyle a bad lifestyle.

I think in some ways I am scared to lose weight. I dont want the attention from my freinds, family or even strangers. So I make bad desisions and sabotage myself and binge eat. So instead of losing weight I end up putting on even more which is why I am over weight. I do not remember ever feeling like I was at a healthy weight. When I look back at pictures of me as a child I look fine, but I remember feeling fat. By the time I was 12 I was overweight, not just feeling it.

So I gained weight, and I havn't sucseeded in losing weight before, because I wasn't doing it for me, because I was scared. Now what, what is difrent now, will I keep sabotaging myself? Can I keep myself motivated? Am I doing it for me now?

Honestly I dont know, but all I can do is try. I do want this, and I know it should be my highest priorety. I dont think it is right now. But I want it to be. In some ways using dietbet and instegram and pintrest, is my way of tricking myself. I want myself to want this. This is my health I am talking about. It doesn't matter that I am scared. It doesn't matter that people might notice I have lost weight. YOu know what they may even be proud of my progress. Maybe on some leval I think they havn't noticed I am fat but they have. I AM FAT...but I can do something about that. I dont need to be skinny but I do need a lifestlye and attitude change.

Rant over. Lets get this dietbet done...and use the winnings to enter anouther one and anouther! I am in this for the long run, how ever long it takes! xx