Tonight, I'll go to the gym again, and I'm reminded of how many motivations there can be for going. Sometimes I feel empowered and excited to use my body and feel it's strength. Sometimes I'm feeling dutiful and know that I need to put in the time and effort. Other times I'm looking forward to checking it off my list of things to do or looking forward to seeing if I can lift more or run farther than the last time I was there. But days like today, the gym and the body are an absolute refuge.

Today I found out that I have to have a minor outpatient procedure that will be quite painful. I've had it done before, and it just sucks, plain and simple. Ffinding out the news of this combined with already having a lot of anxiety, dread, fear, overwhelm, and general Monday holy-crap-how-do-I-even-handle-my-life feelings going on led to me just wanting some kind of refuge. Now most of the time the best advice for me in this situation is back away and just be for a bit; sit in meditation, lie down for a minute (which usually leads to a cathartic crying jag), or at the very least, just back away from the computer. But this time, the call seems to be a solution that is not just two birds with one stone, but five. By going to the gym and working out right now (and by being able to declare it in community), I'm taking myself back into my body (so long as I really do connect with how good I feel while working out and don't just zone out), I'm getting away from all the screens, I'm getting catharsis, and I'm taking a concrete simple action that silently declares, "I AM NOT GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING RIGHT NOW." All the problems of the world and my world can wait. I know that things are simpler than this delusional and fearsome state would have me believe, and things will appear clearer in an hour, a day, a week... no matter how long, clarity always returns. But for now, you can bet your ass I am going to the gym.