I am so incredibly blessed. I have an amazing husband who treats me like a princess and has an amazing job. He is a Godly man, good husband, and great father. I have two healthy little boys that are 7months and 3 years old. I have a nice home, new vehicle, and tons of family. To some I have a perfect life. Unfortunately I also suffer from anxiety disorder. For years I have refused to admit this because I thought it meant I was weak. I think now that trying to fight it is actually worse then working with it. I love my children and I love my husband but some days just the stress of everyday life puts me in a ball on the floor. Both kids crying. My 3 year old asking to have some of the food that I have been waiting hours to actually get to eat. somedays eating nothing but carbs because they are so easily accessible. The pile (piles) of laundry (both dirty and clean) that need to be dealt with. The headache I have had for 10 years. The ulcers in my mouth from all the stress. The lightheadededness from forgetting to eat breakfast (again). All the urine scented furniture and clothing from attempting to potty train my 3 year old. And failing. The guilt of not wanting to smile back at the 7 month old who won't sleep and just wants to smile at mommy. The fear of not being the mother I should be. Feeling like all my failures are due to my own laziness and selfishness so thinking that means I dare not ask somebody else for help since I have brought it upon myself. Feeling like i'm all alone because my husband never knows when he will be home from work due to their crazy schedule and occasional out of town trips for work.Praying when I realize things have gotten out of hand instead of before I reach that point. Crying because my cat i've had since he was 3 months old is sick and I have absolutely no time for him. Knowing that if we have to put him down, the last 6 months of his life was the lonliest and most stressful for his 7 years. Then there is my weight. I have been overweight as long as I can remember. I can't remember ever wearing anything smaller than a 16. At my heaviest in 2011 i weighed 252. for the last 10 years I have done the weight loss yo yo. Jan 2008 i weighed 231. September 2008 I weighed 209. a year late I was 220. I just went up from there when I started nursing school. I got pregnant with my son late 2012 at 245lbs. Due to illness while I was pregnant with him I actually lost weight. At my 6 week checkup after having him I weighed 238. Breastfeeding did wonders for me. By the time I stopped breastfeeding him at a year old I weighed 218. Of course that started creeping back up once I stopped breastfeeding. When I got pregnant with my second son in May 2015 I weighed 227. I was 228 6 weeks after he was born. Breastfeeding hasn't seemed to be as nice to me this time around. After 2 diet bets i have been hovering at about 220. When I started this diet bet I was 219 and today I was 217. As you can see I have been all over the place. When I think about all the things in my life that are causing me stress, diet and exercise seem like the thing that lifts away easiest. I mean what really is the harm? I have been overweight my whole life. Will another year really hurt? The answer is no, probably not. In all likelihood though, it will not just be a year. The excuse that it is too hard will never go away. The older I get will only make it harder. I will be 30 on saturday. That officially makes me an adult right? Now it's not just me that this affects. If i'm the one responsible for feeding my family and i'm not concerned with eating well then what am I feeding them? Wouldn't it be great to get off of bloodpressure medications and spend that money on things to do with my kiddos. Wouldn't it be nice to have to energy to actually ride that bike that's been collecting dust next to my son's bike that is also collecting dust because i don't feel like walking around while he rides it. My husband has health issues that could become life threatening if he doesn't maintain a healthy weight. Shouldn't i be providing him a healthy diet? there is so much more to this than the numbers on the scale. Diet bet does help me because i think our money is precious. That money was hard earned and should not be wasted. I am also very hard headed and get very determined to complete something i say i will. Put all that together and it makes a very confused, overwhelmed, overweight individual with no plan for making it any better. That has to change. Today I am choosing to make a plan. My plan is to pray before I even get out of the bed instead of when i'm laying on the floor from exhaustion later in the day. I plan to understand that not all plans can be completed as planned. I will forgive my shortcomings and aim to do better. Not better tomorrow but better the next minute. Stop thinking that if I mess up once that that has to ruin the whole day's plan. I plan to be more patient with my children and understand that they cannot provide for themselves or live life without me right now. Their needs are not an inconvinience but an opportunity to provide for them as i have been provided for. To help fix their problems as my heavenly father has so graciously fixed mine over and over again. I plan to great a healthy living environment physically, nutritionally, and emotionally. I will plan to learn to cook and stop counting on my husabnd to do "his share" of the cooking and cleaning. That is not his responsibility. It's mine and i am perfectly capable. I plan to say goodbye to the phrase "I don't feel like it." I plan to admit when I need help. I plan to accept that, for now, anxiety is a part of me. I will recognize it when it occurs and i will overcome it. I will put down the cellphone. I should not be irritated with my child for interrupting my facebook scrolling. I plan to remind myself that taking care of my own body is not selfish, it necessary if I want to continue to take care of everyone else.I will say thank you to the people in my life who offer to help and actually let them help. I know this is alot and most people probably stopped reading a long time ago, but if you are still with me please know that you are not alone. We are all struggling. This is so much more than winning a few dollars. It's about creating a new you inside and out in the midst of a life that makes you want to do nothing but stay in bed all day with a gallon of ice cream!! We can do this. You can do this! Prayers fo you. And prayers for me please!! I know without God even the breath in my lungs ceases to exist so I will seek him first in all things. He will give me the stregnth i need. Amen.