My whole life I have suffered depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Weightloss has always been a very triggering thing for me. My moods play a big role in my weight gain/loss.
When I'm depression or get to just a bad place mentally it can go two ways:
1. Never eat anything.
-Purposely starve myself because cooking or eating just seems like wasted energy.
-Food doesn't test like food it just tests like mush.
-Horrible past shit just creeps up and haunts me telling me all the awful things I am.
2. Eat everything in site.
-Order half the McDonald's menu and eat it until I throw up.
-Cook everything in my kitchen and go out and get more food.
-Eat from the hours of 5pm-2am.
-Never leave my bed.
These moments have brought me to 196 pounds starting. It isn't my highest weight i've been - tha would be 205 my freshman year of college when I ate a McDonald's Burger/Fries with a shake every day in my care for lunch before my evening class. Then hit up the same mcdonald's in the evening around 10 for a 10 piece and large fry with a coke. EVERY. DAY. I eventually had to go to a different McDonald's because i was embarassed. I went to 2 McDonald's every day within a block of eachother because I was to embarassed of my habit. Then for 2 weeks, during a 'never eat anything' episode, I had my best friend basically around me the whole time so I wouldn't eat anything. Iceberg lettuce only, oh paired with Ice Water. (side note: that girl is no longer my friend. anyone who lets me do that is stupid and insane.)
But basically the only reason I'm typing this is because my whole life I have just let my emotions run my diet. Last night was huge for me....
I weight myself - I gained 2 pounds from that morning. I got off the scale, looked at myself and just started CRYING screaming how I didn't want to be the fat girl anymore and how I didn't understand how I could be gaining weight when I'm over here trying (not hard enough just yet). I sat on my gross bathroom floor, cried for about five minutes and KNEW that if I didn't get up in the matter of 5 minutes I would be in the 'eat everything in sight' mode.
So I whiped away those fucking tears, stood up, put on my blackest god damn outfit, 2 long sleeve shirts, some nice legging capri's and my black nikes. Fed my senior cats grabbed my bike off the wall and said 'FUCK THE FAT GIRL. Fuck her, you will not do this.' all while still crying but feeling pumped as fuck.
2 flights of stairs later, tears totally gone, nice acoustic playlist on: I FUCKING BIKED. And god damn if I didn't feel proud of myself. Grant I was still bummed about the weigh-in BUT I didn't sit at home.
Instead:
1. I biked 3.77 miles instead of 2.97 the other night. (I never thought I'd almost get to 4!)
2. I biked up 2 hills I've avoided because I thought they'd be to tough.
3. I never quit even though my legs got tired and my mind told me to.
Basically - I overcame a big demon last night. My whole life I have let my emotions effect the results I want. I have just succumbed to the thought's in my head that say, 'you are not worthy. you will always be fat.' etc. It isn't a HUGE step. After I ate a piece of pizza and had a giant salad, so it's not the greatest dinner. But I'm so proud of myself.
And to anyone who deals with the same issue:
YOU ARE STRONG!!!!
DO NOT FUCKING FORGET THAT.