Reason #3 of why I hate being fat. Is diabetes. I was diagnosed in 2012. It was a strange occurence, as no-one in my family tree has had DM type 2. I know people who have been pre-diabetic for years, and struggle to keep from crossing over into being full on diabetic. I had about a six month window, they tested my blood and my Doctor said I was heading towards being pre-diabetic, and six months later I was completely diabetic. It did not seem real to me, it was so sudden.
I was about 212 pounds when diagnosed. In my mind, if I can get below 200 pounds, everything will magically reverse itself. I know that is not how it works, usually, except in suspicious advertisements for cannabis oil on the internet. I guess I hoped it would go away as fast as it came. At first, I was really into "fighting" it, and trying to eat right, but then I ate wrong and nothing bad happened, and the Doctors just keep upping my medications to keep my blood sugar down, and so it felt like there is always a stronger drug to compensate for my bad behavior, and then I just slipped further and further.
I know so many diabetics are not compliant in taking their medication, and eating right and exercising. And I think in some ways it's because thinking about diabetes, is absoutely terrifying. Thinking about having a disease that could cause you to lose limbs or eyesight, that could give you awful nerve pain that never goes away. It sometimes feels too much to take in, and it's easy to force yourself into a sort of complacent state of denial.
I don't tell many people that I am diabetic. It feels really shameful. Since I brought it on myself apparently by getting fat. I feel like I can't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, or even sympathize all that much. Also, I don't like feeling that I might be judged, that in their heads people are watching me, and thinking, oh, should she be eating that, with her condition? Shouldnn't she be doing this, with her condition? I can judge myself harshly just fine on my own, thank you.
One of the challenges with diet, is that my body is a liar. It likes to send me messages that my blood sugar is low, and when I test it, usually it's a false alarm. Having a low blood sugar attack feels really awful, like I'm going to pass out, and like my stomach is turning itself inside out, and I tend to panic when I get that shaky feeling. So that I even get panicked over the sensation of just being a little hungry. And then I eat something when I didn't have to, or fear that I will be out and about without a quick food source, so I will eat more to feel really full, or eat before going somewhere, even if I wasn't hungry. I always carry like a protein bar, or nuts, or something, just in case. But I still can't stop worrying about it happening.
While I know I am doing this when I sit back and contemplate, usually at the time that it's happening, I'm kind of oblivious, and don't stop and think, is this hunger, or just fear of future hunger? So my goal here should be, to be more conscious about it happening. And some retraining, that it's ok to stop eating when I feel satiated, and not keep going till I feel really full. That I'm feeding my fears and emotions, way more so, then I'm responding to my body's actual hunger pangs.