It's going to take a lot for me to start being honest with myself and do this.
A lot of what's gotten in my way before are all tied in with not being truthful with myself. Saying things like "I don't have time to prepare my meals," or "I can't figure out how to work fitness into my schedule." But what I am really saying with all of that is that I've been to scared to actually do the work.
I've done the work before, and you know what? It worked. I lost 87lbs and then tried out for and was drafted onto a roller derby team.
But I live with depression and sometimes I let it get the best of me. But letting my brain talk me into things like, "you don't deserve this." OR being all manupulative and saying things like, "What happens when you lose all the weight and you still aren't successful at everything else - what are you going to blame then?"
A lot of my depression comes from feeling like no matter what I do accomplish, i am actually a fraud. I'm not actually talented or smart or what-not, I just figured out how to work the system. Even though I was put into gifted classes when I was 9 years old. Even though I have a master's degree. Even though I have accomplished things that leave friends and family in awe - for myself, for my brain, it's all a sham. And I have tied these thoughts and my actions to my weight for years.
The results are that I keep pulling myself into a cycle of unhapiness. And when I'm unhappy with my fitness and weight and appearance, I get to blame everything else on that. It makes it easier. Even though it doesn't make it better.
So it occurs to me, that I need to take control of the things I can actually control. And live with the consequences. It sounds simple right?
I don't think it has to be complicated. So here I go, signing up for this game as a way to motivate me to put my money where my mouth is. I keep saying I want to take charge and change. Now I have some cash on the line. Let's see if that's motivation enough to start developing some sustainable healthy habits.