Last night I cleaned out the pantry.
This has been something I have always heard to do but have never done. Granted, a lot of the stuff that I cannot eat right now but can eat once the detox phase is over, stayed where it was at. The Kellogs cracker crisps? The wheat thins? The ramen noodles that I craved one day but never ever ate? Yeah, all of those either got trashed or given to my husband to take to work with him so he can snack and I won't be tempted to. He and I have the "In sickness and in health" part of our vows down. We also seem to have the "You eat everything anyway..." down. Clinton is going on this diet...er lifestyle change with me but I do not expect him to give up the stuff he wants to eat unless it starts affecting him.
Anyway, cleaning out the pantry was something that had to be done. It felt empowering. It felt right and it felt silly when I would pick something up, turn to the trash and yell "HIYA!" as I threw it away. But that's what I am wanting to do. I am wanting to get healthy, I am wanting a child and I want to get fit.
While the pantry was pretty easy, up next is the freezer. For the most part, what we have in the fridge/freezer is pretty healthy minus corn dogs for a quick meal and random odds and ends.
This weekend was pretty uneventful but we did workout on Friday before meeting my sister and her fiance for dinner. My sisters fiance wanted Hibachi which sounded good to everyone but me. I cannot have soy, gluten, sugar, artificial sugar or alcohol right now. When we got to the restaurant, I realized all the yummy stuff - sushi and fried or steamed rice I was unable to eat. I did order the hibachi chicken and extra veggies instead of the rice but I also cringed when I watched the chef cook it as he was adding butter, more butter, soy sauce, more soy sauce and a heavy dose of salt...as if it wasn't salty enough. While I cheated, I did not let that bother me and kept telling myself that tomorrow was a new day.
Saturday I had a session with my personal trainer who is amazingly awesome. We sat down and talked about the sleep study results I had gotten back. The doctor told me that she couldnt find anything wrong and that she suggested cognitive behavioral therpay. Granted, I took it as "I'm crazy?" until my trainer asked me if there was any traumatic experiences that I have encountered that could be affecting the way I slept. I told her that I was raped twice when I was younger and the last time was when the guy woke me up and told me what he had done...which was pretty obvious as I went to bed clothed. I was drugged.
It took me years to get over that. Years to realize that it was not my fault. Years to move past that time in my life and see that I am stronger than ever before. It also brought up thoughts about if I ever really moved past it or if I got busy with life and forgot about it. I cried that night after she left. I cried at church the next morning. I craved a huge burger and loaded fries and comfort food...any bad food. I fought my cravings and had a salad at lunch.
I never thought I relied on food to help me through thick times but maybe I have. Shortly after I was raped, I was diagnosed with diabetes and hypothyroidism...chronic diseases that may have had a helping hand with what happened to me. I cannot remember what I ate last week much less 11 years ago but possibly my relationship with food has not always been healthy. Case in point: My dad is really sick. When I was a senior in high school, he had a major stroke. He hasn't been the same since. His heart arteries were numb because he had diabetes but growing up, he would always run and was very active. The day I was supossed to start college, he had a quadrouple by-pass surgery. Throughout the course of the last 13 years, he has had a couple of heart attacks that ended with him in the hospital and needing new stints in his heart. Both times I would find myself in the hospital cafeteria grabbing a heaping pile of french fries.
There are a lot of things I am going to work on. Maybe I will call a therapist to talk about what went on in my life and maybe it will help me stop stress eating if that is what I am doing. Either way, I am praying that I can come to terms with things in my life and realize that there are things that I cannot foresee happening but know that it is all apart of Gods plan.
The first step is to make my transition from eating whatever to primal smoothly and work on a healthy relationship with both myself and food.
Until next time....maybe that freezer will get cleaned out soon.