I stay within my calories most days, I exercise daily. Why am I overweight?
Because I was never taught any better. I come from a single parent who was/is overweight, and a slew of emotional issues. I suffered some trauma growing up at key stages in my life, and good habits were not instilled at those vital times. At ten, my dad committed suicide via self-immolation. My mom went into a drunken depression. I started puberty at 11. When most girls looked like little boys yet, I had hips and breasts and I was teased mercilessly because of it.
I was severely emotionally abused by my mother since age 10 and by my grandmother at age 17. I was left to fend for myself purchasing my own groceries with the measly paycheck I brought home from Jo-ann Fabrics & Crafts while in high school. Without turning this into a sob story diary, my mother suffers from a disease called Borderline Personality Disorder, and I suspect my grandmother did, too. Let me run you down on this a little bit.
BPD is a disorder in which a person is emotionally unstable and unpredictable. I experienced intense anger and irritablity at the hands of my mother on a daily basis, rarely escalating to a physical fight. What this means for my purposes is that my mom is an extremely insecure, mean, belittling person. When she is defensive, even if it's not something big, she will stick a knife into you as deep as she can and twist it to try to hurt you.
Back to me - because of this and many graphic details I chose not to reveal here, I am extremely anxious and I have frequent panic attacks. I find comfort in food. When I start having a panic attack, I want wings. I want to bake. I want to order pizza. I find extreme comfort in grease, cheese, and ranch dressing.
I am working on myself constantly, and a friend made a really good point. I have my life so tightly wound an organized, that when something goes wrong, I panic. When I don't make a good choice, I panic. I am trying to get my anxiety under control starting next week. I have prescriptions for two types of medications and an initial behavioral health appointment next ewek, and I won't be taking any medication until then. I hope that the two of these combined will help me control my impulsive eating.
The reason I am overweight is because I lie to myself. I'm not always within my calories, and I don't exercise everyday.
It is my time to improve myself physically and mentally. It is my time to put behind me the mean things my mom says about me and other overweight people. It's my time to take responsibility for myself. I am going to make this incredible.