Today I want to talk about a couple things I've been experiencing. Some of you may have experienced them more to one degree or another.

 So one of the things I've been experiencing on this journey is some sort of body dysmorphia. Now, I won't way that I have it. From what I read on wiki, it's quite serious. It 'is a mental illness that involves belief that one's own appearance is unusually defective (worthy of hiding or fixing), while one's thoughts about it are pervasive and intrusive' You can read the full article here:  If this is something you do suffer from in great degree, please speak with your doctor or a medical professional.

But especially a few months ago, I would go shopping and think, I can't possibly wear that, I'm too big! I'd still be picturing myself in my head as that girl in the photos from January - ballooned and unhealthy. Even though, I knew in my mind I'd lost the weight, I was still thinking of myself as bigger. I'm much better about that now than I used to be, but I do ocassionally think, oh my gosh, I still have 20+ lbs to lose to my overall fitness goal! Because I would flip the numbers in my head. I started my journey at 176lbs. My absolute heaviest. It was awful. I felt awful, I wasn't comfortable in my clothes, and I wanted to cry when I saw pics of myself. I even photo shopped our 2013 anniversary photo to make my arms appear smaller because I thought they looked so huge. So when I started getting down to the 140s, I kept thinking I was in the high 150s, and again even a few weeks ago, at 135, I was reversing the 3 and 5 in my head to 153! I'm doing that less and less, but it's really, really difficult to stop thinking of myself as being bigger. 

But on the other hand... saying that, I've had a LOT of compliments in the last couple months, which has helped immensely. People are really, really noticing a lot more. I think that's partially because my face is looking thinner and I'm not wearing clothes that are two sizes too big for me. It’s really helped me to realize that yes, I am a lot thinner than I used to be. My husband has been super supportive this whole journey. He’s always told me I look great and don’t need to lose any, but if I want to do so, then that’s my choice. He’s absolutely amazing. It feels wonderful when someone says wow- you look great. Or you look fantastic, you must be working hard… but also there is a flip side to that feeling. I don’t want to have any negative feelings toward anyone that hasn’t seen me in a while and goes on and on about it, but sometimes they can’t stop going on about how great I look… which is great, but then I think, wow, I must’ve looked awful before. I think some of them realize they’ve gone on a bit too long and very quickly say, not that you didn’t look great before!!! So there is a downside there where you didn’t think there would be one. I do also get comments like ‘you’re wasting away!’ or ‘you’re disappearing’, or ‘where have you gone?’ I’m still me! My weight does not define me!!!

Now there’s another aspect of this whole thing. I’ve surpassed my initial weight loss goal and set a new one… twice. Now I’m trying to get to a certain ‘stone’ (how they measure weight in the UK). I just want to dip down into the 8 stone mark… which means I’ll need to lose 4 to 5 more lbs. When I tell people I’m almost at my goal, only after they ask if I’m done of course, I get many comments like ‘I don’t think you need to lose anymore’ or ‘You’ve lost enough, you look great’ or something along the lines of ‘you’ve lost too much’. To which I think, no. It’s my body, and my weight goal. If I were being unhealthy about it, or it would push me into an unhealthy state or weight category, I could understand a bit- but it’s not. So while I initially enjoyed the compliments, and still do to a point, I do think it’s nobody’s business what I weigh or what my weight loss goals are as long as I am healthy and happy.  My weight does not define me. Don’t let it define you and don’t let other people’s opinions affect you. People will all have different reasons for their remarks, but only you can be the one to say how you’re going to deal with it. You could absorb them, or you could let them roll down your back and keep on working towards your goal. That’s what I’ve decided to do – just keep on keeping on and working towards where I want to be. After that if I decide I want to redefine my goals, well that’s up to me. You be the one who defines yourself. I’ll be the one that defines me!