I logged in today for the first time since before Thanksgiving.  I had written a post about how to get through the holidays and received advice from several people.  I ignored you all.  I attended 4 Thanksgivings and somehow (this is so atypical from years past) they all had apple pie - my favorite.  Thus, I consumed half a pie that week, along with a myriad of other unhealthy options.  

Then, I got back home after traveling, and was so disheartened with myself, and in conjunction with having a difficult week (both academically - I am in a PhD program and personally), I just pushed this entire thing out of my mind.  I knew that making healthy eating choices and exercising would make me feel better.  I didn't want to.  I knew I had friends, both in real life, and likely on here, who would have given me much needed encouragement to push through, and I chose to alienate myself.  I knew what I needed to do, but I intentionally didn't do it.  Instead I made myself a cake.  A marbled cake with chocolate frosting. I ate every last bite of it. I even literally licked frosting off of the pan after eating the last slice.  I hate myself for it.  

I have had a friend reach out to me a couple of days ago and I admitted how much I had been struggling.  It is through her encouragement (and in particular, through receiving a hug at a time when I thought of myself as beyond despicable and certainly beyong huggable) that I was able to get up this morning and jump rope just for 20 minutes (I have a 10 page final exam due in 7.5 that I haven't started reading for yet) - so that in combination with writing this - is more time that I truly can afford to lose this morning.  I also made myself submit an official weigh-in this morning, because I knew I would be unhappy with it, and I wanted to make myself see my failure in a way that would hold me accountable.  I am actually down 8/10 of a pound from my first official weigh in, which means that I have actually lost about 4lbs since the Thanksgiving/cake eating fiasco. 

I have around 7 pounds left to lose before round 1 is complete in 9 days.  It's neither feasible nor healthy for me to achieve that accomplishment.  I don't fail.  I am 23 and I have 2 Master's (soon to be 3).  I do not fail, as a rule.  And now I have.  I know intuitively that hating myself for having wasted more than two weeks during this round and beating myself for the decisions I've made won't be productive.  But that's where I am right now.  I want to quit, then I won't fail.  At least not publicly.  So, through writing this post, I am able to share the fears that I have and hopefully do so in a way that will help me stay on the track I want to for the future.  I know this is a marathon and not a sprint, while I may not meet round 1's goals, there is no reason I can't get on track for the remainder of this transformation period.  I know this logically, but I am still so angry and so disappointed in myself that I allowed this to happen.