I Don't Want To Die Young

Today I woke up feeling like every morning. I feel like I got hit with a truck. My bones feel like they are surrounded in glass and every movement is excruciating. I have to sleep on my side because of the fact that my body is trying to kill it's self. I try to kill myself at night. Not intentionally, but because I cannot breathe anymore. My weight bares down on my organs when I lie down. So when I go to sleep, to stop myself from choking on my tongue and not suffocate, I can not sleep on my back.

My wife doesn't sleep much anymore. She is afraid I will die in my sleep. Yep, I feel awful because at this point in my life I can't control it. My wife is amazing. Her name is Ashley. She is the mother of my newborn. Madelyn. Ashley fell in love with me when I was well over 400 lbs. We got married when I was only 330 lbs though! I miss being that “small”. I hate these fact that she worries every night. It hurts my heart. So does the sleep.

I can't believe I've let myself come to this. Right now, I am 480 lbs. I still feel disgusting.

01/15/2015 8:20AM

You can do this! You have a wonderful family behind you to motivate you! I think the key is not looking at the negative and start celebrating all the milestones you reach. They may be small at first, but a lot of little things add up to something huge eventually! You can do it!

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Jacob L.

01/15/2015 3:03AM

You can do this man! Just one day at a time.. We all have our weaknesses that have allowed us to get to the point we are at and this is about conquering those. Don't be down on yourself anymore! Just make better decisions each day and you can reach your goals. We are all in this together - let's make sure we don't fall off track this time and take control of our lives again!

Angelica Pickles

01/14/2015 7:14AM

I said and felt the same way when I hit my highest weight (at the time) about 6 years ago. I lost 60 pounds but slowly the weight came back. Then I hit 270, 30 pounds shy of my highest, and again, I lost about 50 pounds. And now I am at a new record high. I'm hoping this is the last time. When you think about how much you have to lose, it becomes overwhelming. One day at a time, one pound at a time. Change your lifestyle, not your diet.

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I can't believe I've let myself come to this. Right now, I am 480 lbs. I still feel disgusting.

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