I've been overweight for as long as I can remember.
Pictures of me at 8-9 years old reflect a bad haircut, a big smile, and some chunk. To be fair, some part of this is genetics-- I'm built fairly broad and muscular, which is sort of devastating for a 12 year old in a sea of waifish beauties, but it is what it is. I will never be "petite". But I'm finally over wanting to be.
But I am unhealthy, and I don't want to be anymore.
I have done crash diets, yo-yo weights, and unhealthy eating patterns. Haven't we all? Probably. I've gone through stages where I ate 400 calories a day with 2 hour workouts, and stages where I ate 3,500 calories a day and didn't move more than from bed to car to chair to couch. Both of those things contribute to where I am now. Morbidly Obese.
Five years ago I was coming off of a very bad cycle of obsessing and starving, so I began to eat and drink too much, and as a result, gained about 50 pounds in 6 months. Which made me sad. Which made me want to eat. And then I did. Which made me gain more weight. Which made me more sad. Which made me want to eat more. So I did.
Then, I got pregnant with my daughter unexpectedly. I did well during my pregnancy and gained a total of 2 pounds and had a 9 pound baby. However, after I had her I gained more weight and more weight and before I fully realized it I was well over 300 pounds.
I finally visited a PCP for regular visits in January of 2015. We spoke about my weight as an obvious concern. I was borderline diabetic, my blood pressure was elevated, and my life was in danger of being drastically cut short. We spoke about weightloss surgery. I was very interested and ready to make it a reality, however my insurance has an exclusion (and my job is unwilling to help me with a differnt policy). I looked into financing option and self-pay options, and none of those things are an option for me.
So I came to a harsh reality. There will be no easy way out for me. I am going to have to own up to the fact that I put each bite of food that lead to my decreased mobility, my poor self esteem, my lack of energy into my own mouth. I did it. No one else. And I have to undo it. No one else.
I have to be an adult.
I have to work hard, eat well, make the decisions I don't want to make, like not having the birthday cake at the party. Like not joining in on the office lunch out. Like not partaking in the breakfast muffins the DME rep brought it. Like not sneaking 2am pieces of leftover Easter candy.
I have to be an adult.
It's been a month since I started being an adult. My goal began with 1,400-1,500 calories and 30 minutes at the gym at least 4 days a week up to 6 days a week. I did well for 2 weeks, okay for 1 week, and awful last week.
The first week was tough, but I quickly began to see results. I lost some weight, of course, but more satisfying was seeing that my endurance went from feeling like I'd die after 20 minutes on the elliptical machine to, in a matter of two weeks, being able to do 45-60 minutes on the elliptical, 15 minutes on the treadmill, and 15-20 minutes of strength training 5 days a week. I switched gyms and found a gym childcare my daughter enjoys so she's not upset to go-- she actually wants to, asks to go! I rearranged my schedule so I don't have an excuse to miss except for my planned day(s) off. I have lost 18 pounds in just the first month. Then last week I fell off the wagon. I had lots of family in town, a milestone birthday for a family member with a huge party, lots of gatherings surrounding food, and a miserable cold on top of it all. And I ate like garbage and missed the gym for four days. I managed to portion my garbage, at least-- but garbage food is garbage food. I didn't gain any weight (yet), but I certainly didn't lose any.
Today is day one back on the wagon. I'm disappointed in myself after all my hard work. I feel like I threw everything away. I know that is unreasonable, and a few days is not the end-all as long as I buckle down and get back to work. I do know that I should'nt kick myself and I shouldn't be too hard on myself for last week, but I am, and I do.
I owe it to myself, and I owe it to my 3 year old daughter. She needs a good role model and she deserves a mom who will play with her like she wants to be played with. Outside, bikes and carnivals and crowds and sunshine.
Today I'm looking at beautiful clothes I hope to wear next year, thinking about running and swimming with my daughter, riding bikes with my daughter, and how good I'll feel after I go to the gym tonight.
I am an adult. And I can totally do this.