Back in 2001 I was in a head on collision. 22 surgeries later I was able to go back to work. It took 3 years to get through all the surgeries. My face was destroyed because of this wreck and it's held together now with titanium. This year I will have bone taken from my thigh and put in my mouth as my mouth bone is deteriorating. Both knees still need to be replaced and not to sound vain, but after these surgeries I am going to have plastic surgery. Nothing lines up straight on my face so everything is crooked including my smile. I just want to look semi normal again. I notice people looking closely when I smile because they can see that things aren't right.
Once I got back to work I started working 12 hour shifts again and I was extremely tired all the time. With a blood test we discovered I now had hypothyroidism. I gained weight like crazy and now look like a big ball of crookedness. Last year I lost 37 pounds and I was on my way to the weight I wanted to be again until I pulled a muscle in the back of my thigh. That took 6 months to heal and now I am ready to fight again.
This wreck has ruined any self esteem I had and I can feel the anger inside of me. It's overwhelming at times. I felt better inside when I was exercising and seeing results. It's been a tough as hell journey and I'm ready to tackle it again. I want to do things with friends again which I haven't done since 2001. I want to be in pictures with family and friends instead of always being the one taking the pictures because I'm too embarrassed to be seen in pictures. When surgeons see "before" pictures of me, before the wreck, they are always shocked and each of them have said, "Wow, you were really beautiful before this wreck." It's heart breaking to hear because it makes me feel like they too see the monster I see in the mirror every single day.
I'm ready to take my life back and get some of my looks back. I use to be outgoing and ready for anything. All I do now is work and stay home on my days off. I hate meeting new people and I refuse to go anywhere public if I don't have to. I'd retire from work if I didn't have house payments, just so I wouldn't have to socialize there. I am the complete opposite of who I use to be.
The other day I saw a co worker for the first time in 4 years and he didn't even recognize me. I was really embarrassed and couldn't wait to get home. I've never been an over eater and I'm still not. My whole adult life I was lucky if I remembered to eat once a day let alone more than that. I always weighed around 120 lbs. Now, with this hypothyroidism, I'm suppose to eat healthy like every 3 hours, something small and it's hard for me to get use to that but I'm doing it. This thyroid disease makes sure you have zero metabolism but the meds help to give me enough energy to get out of bed each day.
Now I'm ready to fight my back to a normal weight. I want to lose 60 more pounds before my face surgery as I was told to get back to the weight I want to be at before that surgery which is coming up in about 6 months. I wish I could have Jillian move in with me until the weight is gone. :)
I'm going to add this in here...right now, go look in the mirror and look at the tip of your nose. Do you see how it lines up with the center of your lips and the center of your forehead? I don't have that. It's crooked. Nothing lines up as it should. I know the beauty is gone forever and I'm ok with that but I DO want my face to be straight again. It's like...they took my face from the bridge of my nose and scrunched it to meet my chin. So I'm left with a bigger than I had forehead and the rest is like scrunched up together. I was told it can be straightened out and that's what I'm looking forward to. And to shop in a normal store off the rack would be awesome again. I'm a Grandmother and really would like a family picture with my kids and grandkids where I don't look like the monster that photo bombed a beautiful family picture. This weight is coming off first no matter what. I remember what it felt like to be thin and healthy. I want that feeling again.