Actually, apathy may not be strong enough of a word. Perhaps it's aversion. And definitely regret. Yesterday was not a great day for me diet-wise. I did make a good decision in not working out yesterday because I'd worked out for the previous 5 or 6 days, so taking a day off was good. I went to my chiropractor, I had a client meeting, I was super productive. But then two things happened:
1. I was going over to a friend's house for tea and decided to bring us some treats to share. And I brought quite a few. In retrospect, I could have brought just 1 or 2, or even better, I could have brought some clementines, but hindsight is always 20/20. The odd part is, the treats didn't even taste that great - I didn't get that hit of pleasure when I tasted them like I normally would when I abstain from sugar for a while. The peanut butter in the peanut butter cookie was the best part of the whole deal. Clearly my body is telling me something.
2. I went out on a date at 8:30pm. Now my normal routine is in bed at 10. That's how I roll, and it's definitely what's best for me. But I agreed to meet up with this guy at 8:30 because I didn't want to wait until the weekend to see him (I'd met him this past Sunday). I knew it was too late, but I thought, "just one drink, and then home." Of course in the back of my mind I knew I wouldn't be home until 11 and that the one drink would probably be bourbon (so many romantic notions attached to that liquor for me). And then I realized I'd probably be getting something to eat and where we were having our date, it was probably going to be a salt bomb.
As an aside - how is it I can never seem to order the salad at a restaurant? I love salad. And yet I never order it when I'm out at a restaurant. What is that conditioning about?
2.1 So the guy was 20 minutes late, starving, and so of course I'm halfway into my bourbon by the time we order our saltbomb dinner. Then he's so charming and fun that we stay at that place until 11pmish.
I wake up this morning with the deepest apathy towards the morning, feeling ill, and instantly regretting what I did to my body yesterday. There is no chance my morning is going to unfold as I'd planned.
So as I'm typing (and this truly is the miracle of writing for me), I see how much I'm beating myself up. It's not just the regret of the morning after, it's not just the "uck, I don't want to do anything" that comes from being tired, dehydrated, and naseaous from an afternoon and night of unhealthy indulgences in sugar, salt, and liquor. The thing that really gets in my way is that I'm beating myself up for not being able to live up to impossible standards and to circumvent human reality in order to do what I'd planned on doing which was to get up at 6:30, go to the gym, and then to my meditation group. And then the lack of joy/interest in doing these things in the second punch. Cause I know I love going to the gym. I love going to meditation. And I hate not feeling enthused about these things.
So while my Type A brain wants to go back to yesterday and learn valuable lessons, re-enact the day, make better choices, and learn some lesson, I know that my heart is a better advisor on this matter: Be here. Notice these feelings. Take it easy. See how the morning develops. A little meditation. Go to the gym, even if it's just for 15 minutes. If enthusiasm shows up, then great. Watch for regret, hold it gently. Remember that yesterday was wonderful, not regrettable. Know that past experiences, and more importantly experiencing this present moment, is so much less painful and so much more important than the plans that didn't happen.