Ugh, you guys. Just... ugh. Sometimes when I'm in a crappy headspace, all the exercise and salads in the world will not clear it up.
I've had this dread/fear swirl going since Saturday morning and it's so totally toxic. I got triggered by an interaction on Saturday morning when a friend whom I'd told I needed more space continued to call and text me to try and re-engage in conversation with me. He also told me I was being shitty by not being willing to work on our relationship. Because of my history as a survivor, I got completely triggered and was shaking and crying, afraid he was going to show up at my house and that I was going to have to call the cops. Now, this person is in no way violent and has never intended me any harm, however he did cross boundaries by continuing to try and re-engage me when I'd told him repeatedly that I couldn't converse with him and that I needed space. I was able to get into a safe head space after blocking his number and having a mutual friend call and tell him to stop contacting me, but I'm still working with a lot of fear.
When I get in these spaces, the habit of mind is to jump forward into "fantasy fighting" - imagining scenarios in which I have to defend myself, either verballly, emotionally, and/or physically. It's basically my sympathetic nervous system firing, overtriggered, and revisiting fight-or-flight patterns over and over again. Of course meditation helps and so does exercise, but really, when that system is this triggered, it's just time, time, time, that is needed for it to calm down again. (And perhaps a little anti-anxiety medication.)
One of the toughest parts about this toxic cycle is that the thought patterns around my health, self-image, and lack of success are total crap. I worked out for 75 min today, and all my mind wants to offer up is how it's not even making a dent. Then it flashes forward in fear to the nice dinner out I'm having later this week, panicking about how to avoid the bread. It spirals and consigns to defeat the entire 10 days that I'll be traveling starting this weekend. So I'm writing this blog to be clear with whatever slice of my brain is still sane that the bullshit that is getting invented in my mind, all doom-and-gloom and self-defeating, is UTTER. SHIT. It is completely and totally false.
Sometimes compassion looks like holding the emotions, thoughts, and sensations that are coming through and really offering them kindness and understanding without getting hooked. Sometimes, though, a more forceful emergency brake, or at least "out loud" declaration, is needed. And this morning, my friends, I need to declare:
I declare that I am a healthy, vibrant, joyful person who enjoys my body, takes great care of it, and relishes all that it does for me.
I declare that these voices of fear, delusion, doubt, and self-defeat have nothing to do with me. They show up, they go, and they have nothing to do with who I really am.
I declare that anytime I am in the here-and-now, be it through sight, sound, or sensation, I can see the joy and peace that is who I really am.
I declare that I am safe, able to be at ease with what is right inside and in front of me, and that I have faith and patience, supported by those who surround, and love me.
I declare that I am entitled to enjoy my body - moving, eating, resting, observing - and that fear cannot rob me of this inalienable right.
I declare that I am going to have an amazing trip filled with fun opportunities to exercise and enjoy my body, delicious & healthy food, and balance & space to make wise and joyful decisions!
So there.