If I'm being honest here, I've always struggled with food. Ever since I've been little I remember loving the taste of food...so in love I would always want seconds...not because I was still hungry but because I wanted to keep experiencing the delciousness over and over again. However, because I was playing at least 3 sports at the time it really never showed...so I was allowed to keep my atypical eating patterns to myself. This pattern continued throughout college, but I was playing college level soccer so I was able to say "I'll run this off later" and not bat an eye. My demise of my disordered eating took a huge fall when I was forced to quit playing soccer after sustaining a career ending concussion.... This concussion was terrible because it affected my personality, my ambition, my intelligence, and my pride. I had a major identity loss because no longer was I the smart, science-loving college athlete. Rather than dealing with my pain, I began to isolate myself... I would sit in my college dorm room and eat until my stomach was so expanded I was in physical pain. This cycle would continue on for several long months until I found myself over 200 pounds and utterly ashamed of myself. Prior to my concussion I was gaining about 10lbs/year from all the binge eating I was putting myself through, but I told myself I would never see myself at over 200 because that would be terrifying....and here I found myself at the doorsteps of 200lbs. I was amazed at how less than 6 months prior I was able to run for miles and miles, but now even walking up stairs was exhausting.
About a year after my concussion, I had finally begun to heal emotioanlly and physically. I begun reading my Bible more and emotionally invested in my relationship with Jesus Christ. I stumbled upon this verse one day and was ablsolutely overwhelmemed: 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, "19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." I felt the presence of God very strongly say, "Courtney, you are abusing the temple I've given you." That day I fell flat on my face and felt all of those emotions rush over me I had been supressing for over a year. I began to pray that God would work through me to restore my body towards healing. I didn't even ask him to restore it to prior function...because TBH it's prior function was still very dysfunctional from all of the horrible eating patterns I had established. I slowly began to work out again...and honestly it sucked. I was SO embarrased at how out of shape I was, but I was incredibly blessed with awesome people in my life who ran/walked along side of me throughout this year of my life. In this time frame, I ran several 5ks and ran a 10k. I found myself getting stronger and "fitter"....but my disoreded eating was limiting my progress.
Fast forward to this year. I'm in my second year of grad school and still in a similar place. I am getting fitter and faster every year... I just ran my first half marathon 2 weeks ago-so yay! However, I am getting really frustrated and feeling stuck because the weight isn't moving. I'll lose 5-10lbs one month...but then the next month when midterms or clinicals come around I'll start binging again because I'm overwhelmed and stressed. So it's a yo-yo cycle of going between 205-185lbs for the past year and a half... I feel as if I've tried next to everything from investing in meal plans, meal prepping, not buying junk food... you name it, I've probably tried it. However, one thing I noticed I've never tried before was being honest and laying down my pride. I've found journaling extremely helpful in the past, so this is kind of a last ditch effort to see if I can finally kick my binging habit.... or at least find outlets to reduce the temptation. I'm hoping by labeling it and actively journaling about my temptation for binging, I'll be able to kick this awful habit.
So to all the fellow Diet-betters who are experencing similar temptations, I hope this encourages you that you aren't alone in this fight. I hope rather than be discouraged in reading others are experiencing the same struggle you rather feel empowered to read others are trying dilligently to kick this habit in productive ways.
So cheers, fellow diet-betters in your quest towards temple management of mind, body and soul.
-Courtney