Good morning Dietbetters :)
This past week for me has been an incredible struggle between my mind, my body, my heart and the scale. Who am I kidding, this past week?, this screwed up relationship began when I was 9 and put on my first diet to lose weight for a dance recital.My Mom, who loved me fiercly, battled an eating disorder until her passing from Cancer several years ago and she knew no better than to put her chubby little daughter on a diet that mostly consisted of cottage cheese, melba toast and canned fruit cocktail. It was the 70's! I lost a whopping 26 pounds, always being congratulated and told "you look so great Shayna!". Huh? My 9 year old brain thought...I don't get it? Ohhhh....so when I'm skinny and hungry and the scale says a smaller number people love me more? I get more attention? Sweet! And so began the fucked up mind when it came to body image, approval seeking and my warped addiction to the scale.
Like so many of us the scale and what it tells me has become so important to how I go through the rest of my day. And that's what this Dietbet thing focuses on, the number on the scale. I knew it going in and quite frankly that's what appealed to me. I've had this number in my head since I was 200 pounds and started on this weightloss process over 6 years ago. It's 115. I'm 119 now and have become so obssessed with losing 4 pounds that it's destroying me. I'm afraid of how concerned and obssessed I am. It's not healthy, it's not fun and it makes me sad.
The thing is, I'm lifting heavier at the gym, I'm running faster and harder and my muscle tone is improving....BUT...the scale goes up. Of course it does! And sure I know what you're going to say, focus on how strong you are! Don't focus on the scale it's just a number! You've already lost 80 pounds celebrate! I hear you.....then I get a reminder form Dietbet to "Do daily weigh-ins", read people's posts about losing .9 of a lb. And PLEASE don't get me wrong, I know for so many people this is a fantastic forum to find inspiration, to give and receive motivation, to lose some pounds and heck maybe even win some dough!! But for me, it's proving destructive.
And so I wish you all the best of health, in whatever capacity you strive for. For me, I need to focus on more than just the scale, that evil evil scale that haunts me in my sleep. I am throwing it in the trash today and starting a new journey, one that I've put off for way too long, learning to embrace this strong, healthy bosy of mine, regardless of my weight.
Shayna