So, I'm a yo-yoer for sure. I just derive all pleasure in my life from the food I eat, nothing else makes me as happy. So it is so hard to say no to other people and no to myself when I am offered or see something. I know it won't be the last chance I'll have to eat those things but that is what I always feel like when it is in front of me. I feel like I'll never see it again, never have a chance to eat it again and I'd be devestated. Food is everything to me and what do I have without it?
But I've been relatively good this week since Saturday food-wise. Although I did faulter on Tuesday because I went to dinner with friends and my self control most of the time is non-existent. I've been pretty good with exercise, getting up and walking an hour or more every day since Saturday. But I still hate myself. That hate is what drives my being overweight and everyone else's I'm sure. I hate who I am and I live in failure and so how can I succeed. I'm going to try to keep going but I know someone out there understands that it is so hard. Tough to live with this hate and despair and not be able to eat that food that makes it go away for even one second.
Like I said up above, what do I have without it? I like to sing to myself, that makes me happy. Not as happy as eating what I want. Besides the hate for myself and my love affair with food, my last crutch is that no one is here to witness my life. If there is no one here to see with me, why do anything? Doing it for myself isn't enough, it won't ever be enough to make me succeed. I have no one to witness my life to know that I live so why is it worth it?
I figured if I pointed out what I know are the problems in why I can't get to the weight I want and stay there, maybe reading and hearing them would help me to conquer them. But right now all I feel is sorry, sorry for myself and mournful of my relationship with food and sad to be alone. I know no one will want to walk life with me until I'm not sorry, until food is just something I eat to live and I'm ok being alone.