My head is swimming with possibilities right now, and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. It's 1/1. Hardcore. What diet plan do I choose? What food do I eat? Is there such thing as detox? Is there a good way to kickstart this? I've done some damage. For real damage. For two weeks, solid damage. It went far. I knew what I was doing, I just couldn't/didn't stop.
Last night, Drake and I planned to stay in and make cheese fondue as our New Year's Eve treat. So we bought the good jarlsberg and the good gruyere, and I spent most of the day baking fresh baguettes (why in God's name did I do this!!?! but OH MY GOD it was good), and all evening we relaxed and sat and ate. And drank. At the end of the night, I felt like I was going to burst.
I need to find it in myself to realize when I've gotten to the point where it will feel better to stop than to keep eating, and then stop.
So today, I woke up, and I knew I needed some form of detox. I've felt like this a few times the past month or two, after rather big binges (that word sounds bad, but that's what I'm calling it because that's what it is). I hate that feeling.
Thankfully, right now I have a fridge full of good food. This morning I made egg whites with red bell pepper and broccoli. I let the leftover French bread sit. It's not even looking tempting to me right now.
For lunch so far I've had a cup of coffee with half a cup of skim milk in it and a half teaspoon of agave nectar. I'm scared. I had a packet of Splenda in my hand, but something in me told me to cut that out. I rely on it so often and it's probably too much. Natural sweetener seemed like a better choice in that flash of an instant, so that's what I went with. But I don't actually know what's the right thing to do. I need to think this through. What do I do? What's the right thing?! AAHH!!
See, I think the reason I'm scared is because I've been trying to lose weight since 2006 now (that's amazing and sad for me to see in print), and what I've been doing hasn't been working. That means that in order to succeed at this, I need to make some consistent changes. And that's scary. I've had all of these thoughts before, too. And it's scary that if I say "This time, I mean it," I totally know that I've said that before as well.
I have to change me.
I should realize that the life I've been living, while happy, hasn't FELT as good as it could possibly feel. And I want to feel good. I'm 31 and I deserve it.
I've been "trying." I haven't committed. I haven't been trying hard enough.
So here's what I've been doing in my half-assed, failed attempt at weight loss. Some things have worked better than others. A list of things I've tried:
Weight Watchers - counting points - this is hard for me because I have trouble counting WW points exactly right. I haven't been willing to try hard enough to get it right. But I do like tracking online, because they calculate the points for you. It just takes dedication.
Weight Watchers - "Core" plan (not counting points, but eating from a list of clean foods) - This worked for me.
MyFitnessPal - counting calories - It works pretty well. It requires super dedication to the point of obsession.
SparkPeople - counting calories - Good but not very good. Their tracking site is sloppy.
Exercising after work in a traditional gym - I liked it but Drake hated it, apparently, and I'm not good at going by myself. We no longer have a membership, but we could get one easily.
Exercising at work during my lunch hour and breaks - This makes me feel good about my life.
Exercising at home to XBox Kinect games - I did this consistently for about 2 days. So I'm counting that as a fail.
Limiting desserts to "diet" type, pre-portioned desserts - Preportioning doesn't work if you eat all the portions in one night. Sad but true.
Trying to eat cleanly without tracking my food - Fail, fail, fail. No accountability, no success.
DietBets - using money and team competition as a motivator - Sometimes very good. Sometimes if I'm in a bad spot it doesn't even matter.
Fit Girls of GB posts - to loosely motivate others and keep myself accountable - Sometimes these are very good motivation for me. Sometimes I'm just ashamed to even show my face.
Exchanging daily emails with three friends who are also losing weight - Good motivation when we actually track our food and exchange motivational ideas. Bad when we get lazy and just do girl talk every single day, which we love to do.
Reading self help books about emotional eating - Good motivation. I would like to do more of this.
Slim in 6 - Not good motivation. Debbie Siebers you bitch.
Walk Away the Pounds - Love to do. Want to do. Would do every day. I need every DVD there is.
Watching YouTube videos of other weight loss journies - Actually good motivation when I get around to doing it. I want to see them succeed so badly. I want to see me succeed so badly.
Following motivational Facebook feeds featuring success stories - Always, always good motivation.
And the thing that worked the best out of any of these, really, is the Weight Watchers Core plan (now called Simply Filling). Somehow for around half a year, I stuck to this method of eating, which included few-to-no processed foods, no processed carbs, and limits on whole grains and starchy vegetables. Unlimited fruits, non-starchy vegetables, and lean proteins were the key to it. Fat free dairy was free. Limited but required healthy fats were included. And I didn't have to count anything. And I lost 40 pounds without thinking too hard about it.
It's low carb, dummy. It's clean eating. It's common sense. JUST DO IT. The first two days of adjusting to it, I was pretty murder-y. But after that I felt good.
Exercising during my lunch break and my a.m. and p.m. breaks didn't cause me to drop a bunch of weight, because I wasn't eating right. But it did make me FEEL better. That's priceless. I'm going to be doing that again.
Big big things I'd like to change:
Eating a prepared meal for lunch each day: No more. I can switch this to salads. I absolutely know I can.
Evening snack binging: No more! This to me is the hardest thing. Why, brain, do I do this? I have some soul searching to do on this. It's a disorder. My insides are disorderly.
Eating a bunch of artificial sweetener: I've always thought, "They're zero calories, the FDA wouldn't let me eat something dangerous, it's harmless, right?" Maybe so, probably so. HOWEVER, I need to do things differently, and I'm willing to give it a try to cut these out. How hard can it be? I like water. I don't even like diet pop that much.
Today for lunch I am going to eat the world's greenest, leafiest salad. MMMM!
And for dinner, I have some really tasty lean pork loin that I am going to slice into chops, and I'm going to make my husband cook them on the grill. And I'll have my favorite vegetable alongside it. Broccoli. I want to eat it always.
Tomorrow I will check in again. That's my plan. Happy 1/1 everybody.