One of the reasons I am large and have health problems is that I have a skewed relationship with food.

All of my life I have loved, craved, wanted the overly fatty, sugary, calorie laden foods that should be eaten in moderation. That's what I wanted. ALL the time...

Recently, not so much. Yeah~ I had a cheesecake yesterday. However, it wasn't the AHHHMAZING treat I had thought it would be. It tasted ok, but it wasn't food that should be dreamed about... As I was eating it I was wondering what the hell I was doing. Previously I would have eaten it so fast that I wouldn't have had time to wonder. Yesterday, I tasted it, I took time between bites. I enjoyed the nuances in the lemon flavor from the cheesecake to the lemon curd topping it... it was an experience, not just a "get in my belly!" moment.

I crave the tomatoes, the cucumbers, the beans, all the seasonings.. The freshness of the vegetables. Sometimes when I go too long with out some great vegetables and I eat a salad I can almost feel my body soak up the nutrients. Crazy, eh?

I guess what is bothering me is that I see all these people who are on a weight loss journey and they have not changed thier thoughts about food. I watch YouTube and see these people who have gone though weight loss surgery and they're still anticapating and looking so foreward to that bite of something "bad"... These people who have lost a hundred, or hundreds, of pounds and put weight back on because of food that they still HAVE TO HAVE.

I am so not any better than that. I have and will always have my issues. I have had a lifetime of terrible relationship with food. However.....

I hope, I pray, I demand of myself, that I can change my relationship with food. I can begin looking at the fatladen, sugar hiding, calorie full foods for what they are. The OCCASIONAL TREAT, not the every day, have to have for lunch, let me devour food that I have always had.

If I don't change my mentality then what is this whole thing about, a waste of time?

Also, I have to get this under control NOW, Yesterday. I have to show my precious little munchkin that food should be nutrients for ones body not a conduit to bieng over 200 pounds. I don't want my baby growing up in my footsteps. I want her thin and healthy and happy and active.Time to start right now!

Sorry for the rambling :)