This blog is a bit personal, and I’m nervous to share it, but perhaps others have had similar thoughts and talking might help. So here goes:

 

Something I have been thinking about a whole lot the past couple of years is how do I reconcile loving and accepting myself with wanting to lose weight?

I know that I feel better when I’m thinner – it’s especially better for my joints in the long run and I want to take care of myself. That is a form of self-love. I also feel more confident walking around in this world, but isn’t that just because society is so very anti-fat? I’m not so sure wanting society to tell me I’m good enough is what self-love is all about…

I have been told I was fat for as long as I can remember; family is cruel and “they just want to help". I have always felt like less of a person because I’m a larger than average human. I feel like I stick out. Looking back at photos of my life though, I was never actually fat. I’m a very tall woman. I’ve gained weight recently, but I was never before fat, I’m just really NOT petite. So, trying to make peace with that my whole life when it felt that even my family was against me, and working on accepting myself for so very long makes me feel like now I’m betraying my true self by trying to change!

The reality is, I very much want to be healthier. I let my health take a back seat when I was struggling with depression and anxiety – which were rough on my body on their own. I just want to feel strong again! I want to sleep better and I want my tummy to feel better (anxiety makes me feel woozy and eating unhealthy stuff aggravates that). The weight loss goal gives me specific things to focus on to make that happen. It keeps me from over indulging in things that are delicious in the moment but make me feel not so great about myself later. It also keeps me motivated to exercise, which I really need to do to keep my fussy back pain-free, and my knee that I injured last year improving.  So, focusing on weight loss right now is something that will help keep me on track with healthy habits, which is truly an expression of self-love. It’s not about changing myself because I’m not good enough for society, it’s about taking care of myself so I can be the best I can for myself.

 

I haven’t figured it all out. I’m sure there will be days when I will still worry and just want to give up, but I feel fairly balanced right now, and that is a good thing.