So yesterday was the first day of "starting over" for me. I weighed into my dietbet challenges and went back to a Weight Watchers meeting. I'm sure many of you understand and have experienced needing to start over. This time was a little different, or a lot different, than other times. A little history of the last 8 months (if you're feelng particularly patient):
Last July I had a true "aha" moment. I went for a full physical, bloodwork, gynecological exam etc. for the first time as an adult. And it was a kick in the ass. While nothing extremely serious was wrong, there were several issues that were clearly going to become worse if I didn't start treating my body kindly.
After that, everything was different. I'm a young woman, 23. To be perfectly honest, health has never been a motivator for me. It's never felt like I was in bad health. Sure, I always needed more energy, had a lot of heartburn, and irregular periods, but otherwise I've always been healthy. My motivation has always been vanity. There's nothing wrong with that. But clearly it wasn't working for me, after all my "new starts."
Then, lookng at the trajectory I was going on, it scared me. I knew I needed to get serious and in order to do that, I needed to do something different. If I always did the same things, it would never work. It's not only about motivation or "aha" moments. It's about critically looking at your environment, at yourself, and at your triggers. I realized I needed both support and accountability. I needed people and a program to help me help myself. After doing some research, it looked like Weight Watchers was the most successful with people. And I also decided to invest in getting a personal trainer. Both those things was a lot of money for me, but it felt worth it. It was worth it. I had accountability and motivation on all sides.
It was like magic for me. Everything about what I was doing and how I was doing it was different. I didn't lose the vigor like usual. I wanted to healthier and stronger. I had a support system. I lost almost 35 pounds in 5 months (not really fast weight loss, but steady). So that was around July to November.
Then November happened. My mom had a brain aneurysm and I rushed home from school 2 weeks before graduation. I thought she was gone. She's my best friend.
Very long story short, she made it. And even more amazingly, she's recovering quite well. But the first 2 months were hellish. It's hard to explain. Those first few weeks that included her being basically comotose and 3 brain surgeries...well, it was the worst time in my life.
After 3 months in the hospital and rehab, she came home a few weeks ago. She's doing great and I'm so happy. I knew recently I had no reason to not get back to weight loss (while in the hospital I didn't care about it at all, all my focus was on my mom). But it's been extremely hard to get back on track. While I didn't give a crap about my diet the first couple of months, when things started to settle down, I kept trying to get back on plan and work out, but it felt impossible. I was permanently home from college and I had lost my WW group that I really liked (including a friend who provided motivation and worked out with me) and my trainer. Everything was different. I didn't really see the full effects of it until things got better with mom and I could actually focus on myslef a little bit.
I had gained 20 lbs. back and felt kind of hopeless. Trying to lose regained weight just really sucks. Not your-mom-almost-dying sucks, but you know, it's hard. I won't beat myself up about gaining weight, it's just...I wanted that feeling back. I absoutely knew, had zero doubts, that I was going to do it before. And if my mom hadn't gotten sick, I know I would have kept going. Honestly, that feeling was exhilirating. I finally had control of my life and health again. Of course, I've learned that control of life is a bt of an illusion.
But there are many things we can control in the immediate now. I'm glad I found dietbet because I needed a kick in the pants, some motivation to just pick back up and find that feeling again. I'm also committing to going regularly to a WW meeting in my hometown and building some rapport with a new group. I can't have my old one back. I can't have my trainer back (and I can't afford a new one now). But that certainty I had? That lifestyle change? That's not out of reach. I just have to keep going. I will get that feeling back (if my tone seems slightly tinged with desperation well...yep).
There was a particular night early on when my mom went to the hospital. We knew she was going to live at that point, but we thought it would be with very severe brain damage. I lost my mom that night. I didn't truly, but I couldn't see into the future and the loss and complete grief I felt was genuine. That was a very low point. And I'm so thankful and lucky that we made it out of that mire.
But my point is, it's made me want to live more. You never, never know when you might lose something or someone or your health or anything. We have right now. And I want to make the best choices possible and feel great and expierence new things. I want to be happy while I can be.
All of that to say...this was day 2 of "starting over" and I feel great. The best I have in months.